Past Perfect

I am, like most individuals thinking and breathing for themselves, a creature of habit. It pains me to think this and even more to put it down in words the world can see and pass judgement on. It is however, a truth. Truths about yourself are tough. Admitting them is the toughest. I live in the past everyday. Out of habit I do believe. I have habitually trained my brain to think only of times and experience gone by...why, you say? Fear of the future, I suppose. Or perhaps, the past was just that shitting sensational that to remain there in a happier time keeps me afloat. Or, more likely, my regrets about this "joyous" time(for every time is joyous once it's passed), have simply bound me to it. This consistent need to relive what should be forgotten and forgivable times must come to an end. I want spectacular things for my life, now and in the near now. Focused on such former things, I feel no longer susceptible to a frighteningly superb future. How can I receive positive future experiences when I am stuck in a memory and reliving mistakes that the universe has already forgotten? I have spent so much precious time mourning, grieving, longing, and distressing over unfulfilled desires that the future seems bleak and distorted. I do not wake up daily excited to begin an adventure I know that's surely to come. How easily I could stop this. Like anything else in life, you fake it til you make it. Changing your thought patterns is as simple as one morsel, one tidbit of positive assertion to create a new path of thinking. Being present is something I've always found rather taxing. I think of the worst but hope for the best. Well hoping should not be a verb, it requires no action 'cept the crossing of ones fingers and toes. Perhaps that is why acting is something that chose me. I can lie with style and exist fully and completely in a single whisper, or look, or sequence of action. What was so great about my past anyhow? Sure good times were had, but as I recall, I often did not receive what I thought I wanted at the time, so who chooses to remain in a time of unfulfillment when I can finely tune new dreams and potentially achieve them with my newly trained behavior? I feel as though I am required to pay for past misjudgements with my future. It's as though I cannot let go the wrongdoings till I have given up enough of my present or future. Why can I not move past the past into the light of a new day, everyday? I wasn't perfect then and I sure as hell ain't perfect now and maybe coming to terms with that statement is what will project a new pattern for me on this green screen of a life.