I don't feel like writing.  In fact, I'm gonna crack a beer before I even begin...



Caribou Beer and Arcade fire suit me just fine....'gets me every time.'  If it isn't one thing it's another.  It never ends.  I'm gonna learn some things tomorrow.  Gonna feign interest in a conversation I should be interested in...like my life.

Dear Life,

  I am not so interested in you right now.

P.S You can do better.

R


Is that all ego?  To think better of yourself for certain things and not of in others?  Money is money is MONey... is death.  The pursuit of such nonsense beguiles me.  Who am I competing with?  Myself.....mostly.  I've been sad lately.  How much of feeling something is completely self induced?  I don't feel at ease here...yet?  It's like anywhere else, so why does it feel so foreign?  I may be racist.

My skin itches for something.  Always more.  If there's no growth there's no money!  If you don't eat yer meat.....!  I quit a job after participating for eight hours.  My participation consisted of annoyance, irritation, bemused aggravation.  A sickness set into me during those allotted eight.  I was at lost in a sea of ignorance and sloth.  Gossip and solitude.  Why would anyone do that to themselves?  Make an environment so intolerable that nothing could survive?  I had to get the fuck out of there.  I need no drama.  I create plenty enough without aid.

I've complicated things somehow.  I wanted the time to blend a life I've led for the previous year to something new and exciting.  Now I sleep all night and the live long day.  My desires to pursue desires is all so undesirable.  My taste for things is so fleeting.  Perhaps I've led such a charmed life that when things don't go as planned, my interest wanes.  Or I'm such a control freak that any step away from the previously ordained(by me) throws me....utterlyutterly throws me.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Exhausted of the new, of the change.  Everything's the same regardless, so why I must remain in the hunt is beyond me.  My inquisitive nature?  So curious.

I sound like such a prat.

I want to be distracted.  YET!  All of this shit that distracts only detracts from this so called existence I've birthed and given up on.  Whoa.  Am i so bored of effort?  How awful.  Truly fucking awful.  I should be doing more with my time mayhaps?  We all gotta keep warm.  I should be facilitating something to that effect.  Clean drinking water and all those integral bits we take for granted.  Am I so ungrateful?  Jesus.  It seems it.  I can afford not to work for a bit.  I have a roof and all the accoutrement that any sentient being could ever want.  Love and junk.  Health for me and those I name dearest.  Am i so inundated by 'shoulds' that my wants become a distant whisper?  I want to remember the language of my heart and have the courage to follow it.  Does being female prohibit me from making a decision?  I use to make decisions all willy-nilly and some pretty wicked things happened....glorious and opposedly, not so.  Getting there is taxing and taking too long, and I don't know where 'there' is.  Death, i imagine.  Well I'm not remotely there so what's next?  Why must I have constant stimulation?  Is that generational, or human?  Do I expect too little of myself?  Is that where others get it from.....me?  Gross.

How do i get what I want if I don't know what it is?  I want too much.  Stretched too thin.  So thin.