Love's Labor Lost

I chose Love.  Actually, I like to think it chose me.  Guess we'll never know....that's suppose to be the fun part, right?  RIGHT!!!  I struggle for control every day of my stinking life.  Control over only that which cannot be controlled.  I want.  I long.  I feel need, nay deserve.  That sucks knowing you're a terrible person.  Harsh.  Not complete in it's entirety but!  it's there.  Isn't it exhausting.

I have been uncomfortable for months and I'm about ready to fold.  Isn't that absurd?  There are people whose lives are a mere shadowy wreckage of mine.  I feel guilty for that statement too.  Seriously though, I fucking have some really astounding things in my life and everyday I battle against seeing them.  Acknowledging them.  Succumbing to them.  I drink.  I drink to drink, I drink to drink.  When a person is fucking jobless, it throws off the whole aesthetic of what drinking to drink means.  I want an income so I can focus on being tortured instead of bored and alone and tortured.  Sometimes I look at water and see it's potential to become liquor.  I like her clear and cool, not cold.  I don't mean to sound like a souse, and i know it's seemingly textbook.  I am fully functional.  That's the difference I think.  Not hurting anyone with your hobbies nor distracting passers-by of their own ineptitude's in life for a moment while they witness you pissing in a bush.  Hey!  It happens...I'm sure of it.

I get confused as to who's talking.  Not in a totally crazy way but between the master of ceremonies and the ring leader, I often get disoriented.  They can get along but when they don't...utter chaos ensues.  Will I be happy with my choices someday?  I as well and in addition to feel, out of sorts.  I don't feel like myself.  Is that bad?  Those two have some bizarre conversations sometimes.  I'm tired of questioning if this is real or not so much.  I'm sure I project a lot of bullshit onto the table but not all.  Not all.

Can you have more than one of the Big Three exist simultaneously?  What can I do to extend those times?  I feel like I've made such a concerted effort to grip the good with gusto but nothing seems to be sticking.  Am I getting more fearful?  Is that possible?  I should be mellowing in my growing years.  Well, it sticks but not for long.  Or maybe just a bunch of really shitty shit has been happening and my attitude about it all is the only thing holding me back.  Perhaps I don't see the bigger picture, or that there isn't a picture, or that the picture is a mere figment of light refracting inside a highly intelligent computer.  If we were computers, I'd be better at math.

Having dreams to be better is terrible.  The worst.  In fact, I daresay...the worst of the worst.  The thought of going back to school for things I actually may want to do...a decade of life and any semblance of financial independence and stability would be a figment of a whisper of a dream.  I don't think I could stay here though.  Not where I am and be happy.  I want to be someone others can look up to but never touch.  Physically I mean cuz I hate other people.  An adult paycheck would be nice.  Ugh.  Did my brain just admit to that?  Sick man.  Way.  Selfish fucking goblins we are.