Do the Circle Jerk

Do you ever feel like you're making the same choices again and again?  Did I say feel?  I meant fear.  Things that made me happy once before...the shine is gone.  Everything is tarnished somehow and it's all my brain's doing.  I'm confused to how these choices were made without me and now I'm, this?  Is 'this' so bad?  Am I doing an insane version of grass is always greener syndrome?  haha...grass...  It is a plague these thoughts.  One big, floating pustule of goo and degradation.

I don't play the piano anymore.  It just sits there, slowly growing an ever presence of crap that I use to enthrall and excite.  It all seems so fake.  I seem so fake sometimes.  Perhaps that's where the actor comes into play.  I'm too old to be this fucking insecure.  Truly.

I still question all the time but the queries are beginning to repeat.  The redundancy is boring.  I feel impotent.  solitary.  I have shit so good, petty nonsense drives me crazy.  That's lame.  Way.  Should I get into another medium in a big way?  Is the passion dust bound?

If only I could survive for longer outside myself.  I'd enter the world more.  To its detriment?  To my betterment?  doubtful on the latter.  It never ends.

Being around people is really difficult for me.  I put on a strong facade, but fucksakes.

What's in a videogame?  What draws them to it for endless hours.  Countless hours.  I'm trying to understand.  I still don't receive it fully.  What's the draw?...  Spectacle?  Wastage of time?  Escape?  Escape from what exactly?  Do we have it so bad?  I don't want to be in a place where all I wanna do is escape.  Addiction?  Is it like any other form of media, comedy, performance?

what are allergies allergic to?

Growing old is super freaking me out.  Way freakin, that is me.  Women and children, let's go.  The worry be the cause of age...also witnessing the aging process totally screws with your head.  You spend all your time in youth thinking about aging and the years being aged, thinking about your youth.  Youts.  Yuuts.

New West is a good place to write.  It's quiet here.  Relatively.  City sounds are so prevalent.  It's existing in a constant state of anxiety.  I do miss silence.