There Goes My Hero

All of my adolescent heroes are dying.  Is this what happens as one strolls down the 'secret path'?  I was raised by musical genius.  It sounds egocentric to say but I knew these people  They helped shape me to the stellar and moral person you see before you.  I feel like I'm breaking apart.  My little universe I created and cultured as a kid is now nothing.  A hollow structure unable to resist the ensuing storm.  I hurt all over.

'I've tried nothing and I am all out of ideas!'

I thought I would have these people for longer.  I thought I was strong enough to go it alone.  I'm not.  I need these people just as much now as I needed them then...covered in pimples, paisley and a sense of my own tortured ineptitude.

It's not right.  Brain tumors are not fair.  Death at such an early age when one is so prolific, inspired, necessary and essential to my very existence and understanding of the world... is not fucking fair.

What do I do now?  How do we survive without?  Is this a mass exodus by those deeply aware of the end of times?  Do these creative types get something we simpletons don't and are fleeing the earth at a phenomenal speed?  Those I so revere are abandoning me as my father did in death.  Things are arsing in me now.  Overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness.  Can't type...tears welling, filling sight.  Now not only do I have to handle these most recent of events, but the death of those I've buried deep down.  Fuck you.  Fuck you all for dying.  Fuck you all for leaving us.  That bullshit about smiling because it happened, you can shove up your asses.  There.  That's better.  When the anger comes I can let those emotions evaporate and exist out in the world again.

The tears are back.  The anger only lasts as long as the alcohol and then the feeling of empty remorse and longing kicks right back in again.  The Hip were the second concert I ever saw in my younger days.  I was overwhelmed with his stage presence.  He was odd and I fucking dug it.  His sound has followed me throughout my experiences and luckily, I've allowed no other man to taint this.  I know I'm lucky to have had this energy in my life but I'm so sad presently that it's hard to see out of it.  So young.  So gone.  He really did something while he was here.  They all do.  And I will forever love them for this.  As hard as it is.  I still love.

My first album of Mr. Downie, I stole from my moms bf at the time.  Best thing I ever took.  My process began here.  Music my teacher, my lover, the level head in my discontent.  All I can do now is wait for something to come along and eat me too.