I'm circling the drain here people. It's dizzying and I don't do well with continuous circles. Vomit and anger ensue. I am beyond tense. I feel as if I've been in a ten year long panic attack of slow and measured precision. It's swelling now to a piercing vibrato and my fucking back is killing me. I'm too young to feel so old. I'm so afraid to be locked in. Yet I am the one who's doing the locking and the one who is is inevitably locked. I look to others for respite. I look to the www for relief. I long for some peace and quiet in a brain that refuses to stop. 'We're in this together!' Fucking brain...
I am so desperate to rid myself of my current situation that options seem to flow endlessly in my direction. Choosing one that I can afford and stomach for a considerable amount of time...now there's the rub. Well, I scored 15 out of 15 on a Facebook knowledge test...I must be destined for greatness! I should pursue my dreams of astrophysics and solve the unanswerable. That's what I want. What I don't want is to be in my mid forties paying off eighty thousand dollars worth of student loans(and that's on the lowest end), with no experience in a field that rips people apart in a competitive arena made up of the most brilliant minds one can fathom. Ok. That's off the table. So what's next? Wildlife biologist. Animals are awesome. I'd never speak to another living soul if I could warrant it. Four years minimum...did I mention I suck at math and all of the sciences? Then every job out there is asking a minimum of two years experience out in the field following graduation to even be considered. Thirty seven, still in debt from school and working the same shit work I sneered at years earlier cuz no motherfucker will hire a new graduate with no experience. NEXT! Vet Tech. Two years. Minimal cost. Low pay. Cleaning up dog shit all the live long day. No offense to anyone following this noble pursuit, but how is that different from what I do now? I clean up after other people all day long. I spend eight and a half hours watching the clock; Feeling more and more anxious that I'm never going to amount to anything...never going to help anyone...going to die with no legacy or triumph to speak of. I am freaking out. How's about a business degree? That could take me anywhere right? Claw my way through the world with a smile and a wink? Lose everything I hold dear to me like honesty, dignity, integrity and not being a fucking dick? Ugh...what am I left with? Stay where I am, always wishing I was somewhere else? Focus on those once a year trips that seem to make life livable? Continue to drink and smoke myself into oblivion? I cut all my hair off and I still fell heavy. What good's a metaphor if it doesn't fucking deliver? How do other people do this? How do other people figure their shit out?
Monday, February 2, 2015
Damn Dirty Apes
A man was asked, 'What do you fear most about women?'
The man replied, 'That they'll laugh at us."
A woman was asked, 'What do you fear most about men?'
A woman replied, "That they'll kill us."
This hit me, hard. Underlying every relationship, in whatever form it has ever taken since the dawn of civilization as we know it, this is the foundation from which we begin. We have nor will we ever be equals. Sure, some laws are in place and will continue to be implemented that allow us some liberties. We have safe homes for where we can run to, temporarily. We have structures in place within our society that keep us relatively safe, in the interim. Hell, we may very well have a female president of the free world come 2016...thanks Illuminati for understanding the needs of our world before we do. A black man president? Let's go crazy and elect the lesser of the sexes to lead. This will shut em up for a time...See! We've reached equality! Racism is over and men and women are as one. This is all false and fleeting and forged from a place of fear and desperation. We had to come up with something to protect our little baby-makers...for in the end we are the only reason society has flourished...bless modern medicine but without our miracle uteri, we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.
E! You know the channel for entertainment and garbage? Well, they came up with a 'mani-cam'. It is literally a camera that they bring to Hollywood-type events to film the manicures of the female participants. Do you ask the same questions to the male counterparts? How are we going to advance as a sex if we're forced to participate in the constant degradation of our female populace by concerning ourselves with who they're wearing and what their fucking nails look like. Is that all we are? Pretty things to be objectified and over-sexified til we're reduced to walking fucking vagina's with mouths and long eyelashes? 'Oh my Kate Blanchett, who did your eyelashes?' Fuck you.
A recent female tennis player was asked to twirl in her little tennis outfit by a reporter. She did so, embarrassed for herself and probably for every female athlete out there. Your entire life dedicated to a craft and in one phrase, reduced to a pretty little thing to be admired, obsessed over and discarded as readily. Tireless days and nights spent struggling, sweating, screaming and now...twirling. I guess you know you've made it as a woman when you're asked to twirl. Will Hillary Clinton be asked to do the same when she's sworn in? No bible for her...'Madame President, if you wouldn't mind twirling, we could move on to the business of running the free world.'
I was reading the newspaper...the same paper that scolded the reporter for asking Eugenie Bouchard to twirl; Claiming that this request was reprehensible...their following print had 'The latest trend for Lingerie' on the front cover. Sex sells, certainly. Why is it that the only sex worth merchandising is ours? Why are tits and ass so fucking profitable? Ladies, we are 51% of the population! Could we use our sheer dominating numbers to put an end to this abasement? And yes, I understand the irony in calling our junk 'tits and ass'...just trying to keep the male readers content. Fuck! I'm part of the problem.
Are we so afraid to make true and lasting change to the system because deep down we fear being wiped out? Really? Or are we ingrained to believe that we are the lesser sex, we are designed to produce, reproduce, to swallow what we're given, grin and ask for another? I say fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck those that engage in the 'twirling' for fear of hurting someones feelings...or coming off the 'bitch'. We have been programmed to feel that there are two types of women: The Bitch or The Whore. You can be both or one...I say none. I say I'm Rhandi Diane Neal. I follow no path but the one I build for myself everyday. I won't be commanded. I won't fear your opinion of me if I say no. I won't change my habits as a result of public scrutiny. Your judgments are empty until I instill meaning and I won't be a part of allowing you to keep in a bubble brimming with my body parts you insist are beautiful and I should embrace. Fuck yeah I embrace I'm beautiful but it's not because you told me to feel this way. It's not because I have these physical attributes that I'm beautiful. It's the whole. The package is to hold all the awesomeness in, cuz you wouldn't be able to handle me without it.
Ladies, we don't need to be naked to be valuable. We don't need to be nude to be marketed. We are not this body part or that lock of hair. Don't separate yourself into parts and sell them to the highest bidder. The price changes but the cost to you and our sex is ever higher. Stop allowing men to keep us from striving for more because we may hurt their delicate sensibilities. Stop allowing women to make you feel like less cuz you don't have the right pair of shoes or your purse didn't cost a months rent. Be you. Be true. Fuck the rest. Fuck the media ran by rich old white dudes with cialis boners. Fuck the women who engage in the behavior that ties us to our parts and leaves us without much more. Fuck you if you read this and get up your own ass about how it's not cool to complain about shit when I live where I do and have what I have. I feel your eyes everyday and it makes me sick to think about where I've been placed in that sick sex obsessed brain of yours. No I don't want your dick if I ask you nicely not to piss at the bus station next to me. I'm not asking you to stop because I want your cock and can't stop myself from thinking about it. I want you to act like a human fucking being cuz I'm someones daughter. Guaranteed you have a sister, a wife, a daughter of your own...probably not a mother you bacterium from the depths of some ancient pus filled hole. Take your wiener and go fuck yourself with it, cuz ain't no one in this time or space want anything your wielding.
I am beyond stoked for a female president (let's face it, she's as much ours as anybody else's), and I embrace all of the sexist, ageist, ludicrous comments/acts to come. Hold your head high Girl...you're going to save us all.
The man replied, 'That they'll laugh at us."
A woman was asked, 'What do you fear most about men?'
A woman replied, "That they'll kill us."
This hit me, hard. Underlying every relationship, in whatever form it has ever taken since the dawn of civilization as we know it, this is the foundation from which we begin. We have nor will we ever be equals. Sure, some laws are in place and will continue to be implemented that allow us some liberties. We have safe homes for where we can run to, temporarily. We have structures in place within our society that keep us relatively safe, in the interim. Hell, we may very well have a female president of the free world come 2016...thanks Illuminati for understanding the needs of our world before we do. A black man president? Let's go crazy and elect the lesser of the sexes to lead. This will shut em up for a time...See! We've reached equality! Racism is over and men and women are as one. This is all false and fleeting and forged from a place of fear and desperation. We had to come up with something to protect our little baby-makers...for in the end we are the only reason society has flourished...bless modern medicine but without our miracle uteri, we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.
E! You know the channel for entertainment and garbage? Well, they came up with a 'mani-cam'. It is literally a camera that they bring to Hollywood-type events to film the manicures of the female participants. Do you ask the same questions to the male counterparts? How are we going to advance as a sex if we're forced to participate in the constant degradation of our female populace by concerning ourselves with who they're wearing and what their fucking nails look like. Is that all we are? Pretty things to be objectified and over-sexified til we're reduced to walking fucking vagina's with mouths and long eyelashes? 'Oh my Kate Blanchett, who did your eyelashes?' Fuck you.
A recent female tennis player was asked to twirl in her little tennis outfit by a reporter. She did so, embarrassed for herself and probably for every female athlete out there. Your entire life dedicated to a craft and in one phrase, reduced to a pretty little thing to be admired, obsessed over and discarded as readily. Tireless days and nights spent struggling, sweating, screaming and now...twirling. I guess you know you've made it as a woman when you're asked to twirl. Will Hillary Clinton be asked to do the same when she's sworn in? No bible for her...'Madame President, if you wouldn't mind twirling, we could move on to the business of running the free world.'
I was reading the newspaper...the same paper that scolded the reporter for asking Eugenie Bouchard to twirl; Claiming that this request was reprehensible...their following print had 'The latest trend for Lingerie' on the front cover. Sex sells, certainly. Why is it that the only sex worth merchandising is ours? Why are tits and ass so fucking profitable? Ladies, we are 51% of the population! Could we use our sheer dominating numbers to put an end to this abasement? And yes, I understand the irony in calling our junk 'tits and ass'...just trying to keep the male readers content. Fuck! I'm part of the problem.
Are we so afraid to make true and lasting change to the system because deep down we fear being wiped out? Really? Or are we ingrained to believe that we are the lesser sex, we are designed to produce, reproduce, to swallow what we're given, grin and ask for another? I say fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck those that engage in the 'twirling' for fear of hurting someones feelings...or coming off the 'bitch'. We have been programmed to feel that there are two types of women: The Bitch or The Whore. You can be both or one...I say none. I say I'm Rhandi Diane Neal. I follow no path but the one I build for myself everyday. I won't be commanded. I won't fear your opinion of me if I say no. I won't change my habits as a result of public scrutiny. Your judgments are empty until I instill meaning and I won't be a part of allowing you to keep in a bubble brimming with my body parts you insist are beautiful and I should embrace. Fuck yeah I embrace I'm beautiful but it's not because you told me to feel this way. It's not because I have these physical attributes that I'm beautiful. It's the whole. The package is to hold all the awesomeness in, cuz you wouldn't be able to handle me without it.
Ladies, we don't need to be naked to be valuable. We don't need to be nude to be marketed. We are not this body part or that lock of hair. Don't separate yourself into parts and sell them to the highest bidder. The price changes but the cost to you and our sex is ever higher. Stop allowing men to keep us from striving for more because we may hurt their delicate sensibilities. Stop allowing women to make you feel like less cuz you don't have the right pair of shoes or your purse didn't cost a months rent. Be you. Be true. Fuck the rest. Fuck the media ran by rich old white dudes with cialis boners. Fuck the women who engage in the behavior that ties us to our parts and leaves us without much more. Fuck you if you read this and get up your own ass about how it's not cool to complain about shit when I live where I do and have what I have. I feel your eyes everyday and it makes me sick to think about where I've been placed in that sick sex obsessed brain of yours. No I don't want your dick if I ask you nicely not to piss at the bus station next to me. I'm not asking you to stop because I want your cock and can't stop myself from thinking about it. I want you to act like a human fucking being cuz I'm someones daughter. Guaranteed you have a sister, a wife, a daughter of your own...probably not a mother you bacterium from the depths of some ancient pus filled hole. Take your wiener and go fuck yourself with it, cuz ain't no one in this time or space want anything your wielding.
I am beyond stoked for a female president (let's face it, she's as much ours as anybody else's), and I embrace all of the sexist, ageist, ludicrous comments/acts to come. Hold your head high Girl...you're going to save us all.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Dear Parents,
You are fucking up big time. No exclamation point, no underline...fact...period. Keep in mind that these facts come from someone who has never experienced being an active parent but has witnessed what it takes to raise two girls by ones' self and nurture/torture them into two pretty kick-ass women. My mother is the most intelligent, gifted, powerful woman I know and I couldn't have asked for a more well rounded upbringing. I never wanted for anything, I grew up with morals, grounding and common sense. This shit cannot be taught, but instilled. The reason I write to you, dear parents, is that you are trashing the foundation that people like my mother laid. Allow me to elucidate...
I met a girl today. Mid twenties. We chatted for a bit and all seemed well until I dug just that little inch deeper to the real juice...the kind that accidentally squeezes from your butt cheeks when you are completely relaxed and had Subway a few hours prior. (I had unhappy pants today...fuck you e coli laced spinach.) She's going to business school, in her fourth year, and her mother makes lunch for her every single day. Twenty four and living at home. She knew the onslaught of taunts was coming so she injected a quick, 'BUT, I live in the basement and have my own entrance' ploy which wasn't about to hinder me in any regard. She went on to say that she's ever so grateful for her mom everyday and blah-de-blah-da...of course you are, she cuts the damn crust from your sandwich every morning you fucking suckling piglet of shame. Further on into the conversation...the 'apartment' she has in the basement for which she pays no rent for...she also admitted to like an idiot...has no kitchen or bathroom so she uses the facilities of the home which is not of her possession. Um, that's called a bedroom wench. I do my best not to choke her out and continue to ask some questions...you know standard stuff like what are you going to school for, is it difficult to balance work life with tuition amounts...'OH, my parents pay for my schooling.' I tried not to look shocked but my jaw fell a little. You're twenty something, living at home, your mother makes you food daily, you don't pay rent or any bills of any kind and your bachelors degree is paid for. 'Uh, well I pay for my books...books are way expensive.' You think I'm being jealous, don't you? Um, fuck yes I'm jealous...jealous that she has it so fucking easy in an increasingly expensive world... but then another feeling began to creep up my spine...disgust. I was truly disgusted that this individual had no concept of what it meant to be an individual. Another welp scurried over from the dredges of the building and shouted, 'What's wrong with living at home!? My mom cleans my room and does my laundry for me!' Dear God, they're everywhere....
I tried to explain to her that in the animal kingdom, from which we came and most still reside, every animal at some point leaves its family to make its own. Every little birdie must leave the nest and fly or fall to the fucking ground. I attempted to woo her with the freedom of it all, the independence, the allure of pissing with the door open...all pursuits to open her eyes and release her were unsuccessful.. Worse, her succubus friend exacerbated matters as they bonded over how much their 'rents still do for them.
So here we are Parents. You're creating life sucking monsters who do nothing but take, receive and refuse to give back for it may inconvenience them somehow. I am inconvenienced on the daily and it has made me a strong-willed, successfully motivated, grounded, thoughtful individual. How will these people be when they do finally get out into the big bad world? Will they siphon off every valuable resource because that's how you taught them to behave? There will be no respect or thoughtful introspection about what to and what not to purchase, as the money comes from mommy and this black leather Prada thingie that is slung over her arm. Will they have no compassion for those less off because they've always had it all? Will they ever understand what it means to fall? To get up? How will their growth as people be measured if they only have your eyes and wallet depths to measure up to? How will these 'takers' ever learn to only take what they need and not what they want? Forbearance will be lost to the ages as dignity wanes, spurred by the notion that success is not measured by effort but by ownership. How will this broken system of ours ever change if you continue to wash the hands of those responsible for getting dirty and changing it? If the millennial's behind me have no concept of struggling to carry their groceries home, or making their own food, or cleaning up after themselves, how will the world suffer in the wake of these taking animals? If the lunchroom at work is any indication, where no unseen slaving mother exists to take care of it all, we are so fucked.
I met a girl today. Mid twenties. We chatted for a bit and all seemed well until I dug just that little inch deeper to the real juice...the kind that accidentally squeezes from your butt cheeks when you are completely relaxed and had Subway a few hours prior. (I had unhappy pants today...fuck you e coli laced spinach.) She's going to business school, in her fourth year, and her mother makes lunch for her every single day. Twenty four and living at home. She knew the onslaught of taunts was coming so she injected a quick, 'BUT, I live in the basement and have my own entrance' ploy which wasn't about to hinder me in any regard. She went on to say that she's ever so grateful for her mom everyday and blah-de-blah-da...of course you are, she cuts the damn crust from your sandwich every morning you fucking suckling piglet of shame. Further on into the conversation...the 'apartment' she has in the basement for which she pays no rent for...she also admitted to like an idiot...has no kitchen or bathroom so she uses the facilities of the home which is not of her possession. Um, that's called a bedroom wench. I do my best not to choke her out and continue to ask some questions...you know standard stuff like what are you going to school for, is it difficult to balance work life with tuition amounts...'OH, my parents pay for my schooling.' I tried not to look shocked but my jaw fell a little. You're twenty something, living at home, your mother makes you food daily, you don't pay rent or any bills of any kind and your bachelors degree is paid for. 'Uh, well I pay for my books...books are way expensive.' You think I'm being jealous, don't you? Um, fuck yes I'm jealous...jealous that she has it so fucking easy in an increasingly expensive world... but then another feeling began to creep up my spine...disgust. I was truly disgusted that this individual had no concept of what it meant to be an individual. Another welp scurried over from the dredges of the building and shouted, 'What's wrong with living at home!? My mom cleans my room and does my laundry for me!' Dear God, they're everywhere....
I tried to explain to her that in the animal kingdom, from which we came and most still reside, every animal at some point leaves its family to make its own. Every little birdie must leave the nest and fly or fall to the fucking ground. I attempted to woo her with the freedom of it all, the independence, the allure of pissing with the door open...all pursuits to open her eyes and release her were unsuccessful.. Worse, her succubus friend exacerbated matters as they bonded over how much their 'rents still do for them.
So here we are Parents. You're creating life sucking monsters who do nothing but take, receive and refuse to give back for it may inconvenience them somehow. I am inconvenienced on the daily and it has made me a strong-willed, successfully motivated, grounded, thoughtful individual. How will these people be when they do finally get out into the big bad world? Will they siphon off every valuable resource because that's how you taught them to behave? There will be no respect or thoughtful introspection about what to and what not to purchase, as the money comes from mommy and this black leather Prada thingie that is slung over her arm. Will they have no compassion for those less off because they've always had it all? Will they ever understand what it means to fall? To get up? How will their growth as people be measured if they only have your eyes and wallet depths to measure up to? How will these 'takers' ever learn to only take what they need and not what they want? Forbearance will be lost to the ages as dignity wanes, spurred by the notion that success is not measured by effort but by ownership. How will this broken system of ours ever change if you continue to wash the hands of those responsible for getting dirty and changing it? If the millennial's behind me have no concept of struggling to carry their groceries home, or making their own food, or cleaning up after themselves, how will the world suffer in the wake of these taking animals? If the lunchroom at work is any indication, where no unseen slaving mother exists to take care of it all, we are so fucked.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
But She Filled Out
I don't know where to take my life or what to do with it when I get there. I have few years left to decide before I grow too old, too weak and too afraid to change. That's what happens. Aging is wonderfully fulfilling. Not sure anymore if a change of scenery really has any bearing on my level of contentment. Am I running? Or hiding? Perhaps I'm just a nuanced nomad at heart with a desire to see it all before I shuffle off this mortal cunty coil. Switching towns doesn't seem to change who I am for I've concluded I'm still an angry asshole who gets sad sometimes.
Life seems so easy for some. So difficult for others. I know in the grand scheme of what is offered, I have it alright. I'm just confused as to where to go from here. My old way of answering these questions and moving forward is no longer working. The paralysis I feel is from the chest down. How do I know which path to take now? Do I settle in to what I've known? Go back to what I've done before? Try out a bunch of new shit, potentially wasting countless hours and money? I suppose either way that's an all encompassing statement for life: The potential to waste countless hours and money. Days off aren't providing any form of relaxation. I just sit in a tense little ball on my bed, thinking myself to death with tears spilling down over my already salty cheeks. I wake from sleep with similar thoughts so not even sweet sweet slumber which I treasure so is permitting me release.
Life used to seem so simple when I felt like I had endless amounts of time to spare. Now I feel the clock everyday dictating the rules, formulating the end. So what do I want? Why is it so very hard to know? I use to know, or thought I knew. Thirteen years later, i don't know anymore. What I thought I knew is known and now I just don't fucking know. Perhaps the lesson here is we never really do. Plug away and grind on. Touch a life here or there with your comedic hostility and turn to dust. I can't tell if I'm thinking far too big or far too small. Am I distracting my cells with needless torment to detract from the second hand? I don't dream about untold mysteries or of things to come or even of flying anymore. I use to have flying dreams. Even my subconscious is bored with my decision-making. Or lack there of. It took me two hours yesterday to decide how to get out of Queensborough. Trust me when I tell you, Queensborough is exceedingly easy to get out of. I'm trying to follow so many different paths, I've forgotten how to make my own. That's it! I want to make my own. I want to lead a group, not follow behind blind to the battles at bay. I want to affect change not be privy to its whim. I want to blaze a trail so bright that people for years to come could bask in its afterglow. Thank you Frank, but I wanna do it...my way. Even if it all ends in tragic turmoil...I can say that. The rest can cluck their tongues and roll their eyes and comment on how the girl at the very least, filled out nice.
Life seems so easy for some. So difficult for others. I know in the grand scheme of what is offered, I have it alright. I'm just confused as to where to go from here. My old way of answering these questions and moving forward is no longer working. The paralysis I feel is from the chest down. How do I know which path to take now? Do I settle in to what I've known? Go back to what I've done before? Try out a bunch of new shit, potentially wasting countless hours and money? I suppose either way that's an all encompassing statement for life: The potential to waste countless hours and money. Days off aren't providing any form of relaxation. I just sit in a tense little ball on my bed, thinking myself to death with tears spilling down over my already salty cheeks. I wake from sleep with similar thoughts so not even sweet sweet slumber which I treasure so is permitting me release.
Life used to seem so simple when I felt like I had endless amounts of time to spare. Now I feel the clock everyday dictating the rules, formulating the end. So what do I want? Why is it so very hard to know? I use to know, or thought I knew. Thirteen years later, i don't know anymore. What I thought I knew is known and now I just don't fucking know. Perhaps the lesson here is we never really do. Plug away and grind on. Touch a life here or there with your comedic hostility and turn to dust. I can't tell if I'm thinking far too big or far too small. Am I distracting my cells with needless torment to detract from the second hand? I don't dream about untold mysteries or of things to come or even of flying anymore. I use to have flying dreams. Even my subconscious is bored with my decision-making. Or lack there of. It took me two hours yesterday to decide how to get out of Queensborough. Trust me when I tell you, Queensborough is exceedingly easy to get out of. I'm trying to follow so many different paths, I've forgotten how to make my own. That's it! I want to make my own. I want to lead a group, not follow behind blind to the battles at bay. I want to affect change not be privy to its whim. I want to blaze a trail so bright that people for years to come could bask in its afterglow. Thank you Frank, but I wanna do it...my way. Even if it all ends in tragic turmoil...I can say that. The rest can cluck their tongues and roll their eyes and comment on how the girl at the very least, filled out nice.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Ignorant Penguin
I do not nor have I ever claimed to know the answers. I ask more than I solve and seek more than I sow. I want to fix...Everything. I want people to see the reality we exist in and change it. I want to pop every bubble we surround ourselves with and have each other to fall on. We can get angry. I know we can. We do but sometimes I feel like it's misdirected. It's like we take a subject and go nuts on it for a time and then the energy dissipates and our supper gets cold and we relinquish just enough hold on our power for everything to fall apart. Think about where we'd be as a species if the harangued, hassled, horrified masses of the Civil Rights movement just got fatigued one day and went home. Or if the Egyptians needed naps and took the night off to see if democracy would just work itself out. I feel lost in a sea of shit that needs to be remedied. It's almost as if I could see the whole complicated picture if that one piece of the puzzle forgotten in the heating duct would surface and complete itself.
I want to run away. I want to flee to a place where I can be with those who feel the intensity of what we need to do and take action. Unite our abilities, our passion and fix this torment. I know it begins at home. I know it starts with me. How? It doesn't seem enough. It's never going to be enough. Knowing those in my life work for the very people ruining our planet and our health and our very well being as a civilization makes me want to tear my hair out and scream in their faces that this is not the way.
"THIS WILL NEVER BE THE WAY!"
It's not that I need everyone to be the same as I. To feel the same as me and commit themselves to a life of worry and disconnect and solitude. As fun as that sounds and can totally be at times...it's not everyone's cup of tea. I get that. Can't you try? A little? To listen to your heart and utilize your brain to make this trip around the sun as peaceful as possible? We have less time than you think. Do the right thing people. Everyday. Make the choice everyday to be broke but eat well; To walk not drive; To be kind not cruel; To control your emotions and broadcast compassion on every frequency you fucking possess. I'm tired of hiding in plain sight and maintaining composure at all costs. Time to step out. Time to be free. It's beyond the point of unreality. Let's be real together shall we?
I want to run away. I want to flee to a place where I can be with those who feel the intensity of what we need to do and take action. Unite our abilities, our passion and fix this torment. I know it begins at home. I know it starts with me. How? It doesn't seem enough. It's never going to be enough. Knowing those in my life work for the very people ruining our planet and our health and our very well being as a civilization makes me want to tear my hair out and scream in their faces that this is not the way.
"THIS WILL NEVER BE THE WAY!"
It's not that I need everyone to be the same as I. To feel the same as me and commit themselves to a life of worry and disconnect and solitude. As fun as that sounds and can totally be at times...it's not everyone's cup of tea. I get that. Can't you try? A little? To listen to your heart and utilize your brain to make this trip around the sun as peaceful as possible? We have less time than you think. Do the right thing people. Everyday. Make the choice everyday to be broke but eat well; To walk not drive; To be kind not cruel; To control your emotions and broadcast compassion on every frequency you fucking possess. I'm tired of hiding in plain sight and maintaining composure at all costs. Time to step out. Time to be free. It's beyond the point of unreality. Let's be real together shall we?
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Vexations a Plenty
I've changed the name of my blog. I don't know if the new title truly embodies me as a whole and complete unit but it doesn't make me enraged to read it. Funny how pointing out anger dissipates its hold. That's my goal here I suppose. Understanding. Release. Gain back the control I feel so without. Also a reason for the title change. I've been having nightmares about the past. Things I thought were dead and gone. Well, at least dealt with. I don't want to be the kind of person who runs from things. That wasn't the idea behind the title change. I want to be free of the past that I have so long associated with. I want to be the kind of person who sees things anew and welcomes it...you know, the things? The new things that come up in a day that should be embraced and nurtured than set free to do what they wish like the argon in the air or the plant that grows but seems to hate it. Plants no like me.
I want to be free to act. To truly act in a moment without second guessing or trepidation or regard for my safety. Not in a crazy reckless way but a limitless, unbounded sort. Act first, think later. Seems so irrational and awesome.
I know of myself that I want to love one person forever. I want the kind of connection that seems impossible.
I use to talk to people on the phone. Like my first boyfriend. All we seemed to do was talk on the phone. Remind you this was pre-everyonehadacellphoneandabusedtheshitoutofit days. I have a cell phone because that's the thing to do. They're cool. Handy as all get out. They come at a greater cost than most of us realize. This whole wealth ordeal...I have way less than some and way more than most...is really bumming me out. Yeah, I get it. Be grateful and quit your bitching you selfish, narrow minded prick. Um, I am all of those things sometimes. Right now, I feel guilt. Immense guilt. Billions of people are impoverished because of my 'wealth'. The rain-forests are clear cut at a rate of 20,000 square miles a year as a result of my 'needs' here in cushy Canada. Tiny Bangladeshi hands separate precious metals from the outdated crap I've sent to their country only to ship it to China where many more tiny fingers create the technology I've come to rely on. I can walk with ease to grab a burger while texting my lover and I usually think nothing of it. I want my eyes to be open, not so that I feel bad about shit all of my waking days, or to pressure others who aren't ready to hear it into listening...but to do better. Don't you want to do better for yourself and for this planet whose resources we pilfer for our own amusement? I remember life before a computer and a cell phone. I think I was happier. Not because I was ignorant to reality but because I was more real. More receptive. More open. Technology has taught me to hate people and yet I cannot let it go. I can't. I NEED it. Don't we all. Also, this tiny device is giving me brain cancer...just saying. You could have a land line for like five bucks a month and no one does it. I want to bring back the land line and answering machines. I'm gonna call China post haste and get my old message machine back. It's in a pile somewhere.
I want to be free to act. To truly act in a moment without second guessing or trepidation or regard for my safety. Not in a crazy reckless way but a limitless, unbounded sort. Act first, think later. Seems so irrational and awesome.
I know of myself that I want to love one person forever. I want the kind of connection that seems impossible.
I use to talk to people on the phone. Like my first boyfriend. All we seemed to do was talk on the phone. Remind you this was pre-everyonehadacellphoneandabusedtheshitoutofit days. I have a cell phone because that's the thing to do. They're cool. Handy as all get out. They come at a greater cost than most of us realize. This whole wealth ordeal...I have way less than some and way more than most...is really bumming me out. Yeah, I get it. Be grateful and quit your bitching you selfish, narrow minded prick. Um, I am all of those things sometimes. Right now, I feel guilt. Immense guilt. Billions of people are impoverished because of my 'wealth'. The rain-forests are clear cut at a rate of 20,000 square miles a year as a result of my 'needs' here in cushy Canada. Tiny Bangladeshi hands separate precious metals from the outdated crap I've sent to their country only to ship it to China where many more tiny fingers create the technology I've come to rely on. I can walk with ease to grab a burger while texting my lover and I usually think nothing of it. I want my eyes to be open, not so that I feel bad about shit all of my waking days, or to pressure others who aren't ready to hear it into listening...but to do better. Don't you want to do better for yourself and for this planet whose resources we pilfer for our own amusement? I remember life before a computer and a cell phone. I think I was happier. Not because I was ignorant to reality but because I was more real. More receptive. More open. Technology has taught me to hate people and yet I cannot let it go. I can't. I NEED it. Don't we all. Also, this tiny device is giving me brain cancer...just saying. You could have a land line for like five bucks a month and no one does it. I want to bring back the land line and answering machines. I'm gonna call China post haste and get my old message machine back. It's in a pile somewhere.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
HELL NO TO GM...O!!!
I've been doing some research. Scary research. The kind of research that makes me want out of this whole system that I didn't have any say in solidifying.
Everything in my kitchen is trying to kill me. I'm starving because I'm terrified to eat anything in my fridge or cupboards. It's partly my fault for not being more informed but mostly big business is to blame. As a result of moneymoneymoney...money, MONEY! (Read that like the song...I'm attempting to incorporate more song in to my writing so people don't want to kill themselves after reading...you know, like to lighten the mood and junk.) So, basically four huge companies tell us what we can eat. They sell the seeds of life to farmers who hungrily gobble them up because they're readily available, provide higher yields and who wants to argue with billion dollar bastards who'd make your life a living hell if you didn't comply. The seeds have been genetically modified either by way of pesticide injected into the DNA of the seed to ward off nasty predators or manipulated to emit a blanket of protection, again to reduce predation. For some reason, for many many years no one has questioned this practice because of the results. The savior of agriculture was GMO's. We're feeding the world aren't we? And for cheap! Also, a few individuals are getting really stinking rich over patents relating to seed ownership and distribution so winwin, right? Well consumers(in Canada and US), don't know what's safe and what isn't cuz there ain't no goddamn labels to tell us what GMO is or what it means for our health. Europe has options. They label their shit so consumers have a choice: Hmmmmmm, do I want to eat roundup with my apples today or not? Norway has completely banned genetic modification because, and I quote, 'Who would willingly put that into their body?' Haiti...after the tsunami that decimated their...everything...was offered 500,000 seeds from Monsanto...'take these' they say...'plant, grow, flourish again tiny Haiti.' Haiti burnt the seeds and said go fuck yo'selves. Haiti. One of the most impoverished, broke-ass, demolished nations in the world said, "No thanks. Seeds to us are life and we don't think you should be able to patent that." Haiti. Here in Canada we're lazy passivists. It gets cold and late in the day and we sit down with our meals in front of some sort of multimedia device and wile away the hours. Well people...we may have fewer and fewer of those hours to waste. New studies by a scientist in Europe have determined that GMO's are unsafe, unhealthy and slowly killing us from the inside out. Ever heard of this thing called, Cancer? Over two years two groups of rats were fed amply. One group with GM crap and the other not so much. After one year, the females in the GM group had huge cancerous tumors on their mammary glands...like bigger than the rats huge and the males had kidney and liver problems. The test group were perfectly happy...for rats. Monsanto fought to have this info published and have since won and stripped the experiment of its validity.
We don't know what we're eating. It's kept from us because of greed. If we chose to go back to a simpler way where farmers had their own piece of land, could save their seeds from previous years and essentially reaped what they sowed, we'd be healthier, happier and less filled with cancerous tumors. Also! We would be able to feed the entire population with organic farming, sans harmful chemicals(which over 500 insects are now immune to by the by...one worm is so immune it now feeds on the roundup oozing from our plants), so not so much an argument Monsuckityfuckersticksanto. I'm not saying we need to get out in the streets and riot...actually I would like that very much cuz you all should be as angry as I am right now but we do need legislation that requires accurate and honest labeling from the producers of everything we consume. I'm saying we need to get angry about being duped...so angry in our little homes that maybe change will come by how we vote with our dollar...what else do we have this point? Kinder Morgan owns the land and everything beneath it...Monsanto owns what we put in it and the only choice we have is to choose. If Haitians can say "piss off you wankers, we will not be bought', I think we could manage some organic shopping. You should be scared right now...scared enough to get informed and at the very least think before you cram some crap into your face. Or, we can sit in our comfy homes, consume whatever they tell us to or whatever's cheaper, get angry at the state of it all and our carcinogenic neck bulges, and die sooner from stress than the herbicides genetically grown into everything we fucking eat drink and breathe. Oh yeah...GMO's can be carried by pollinators or the fucking wind to non-GM plants...so, let's keep using them...seems reasonable and sustainable...fuck! These corporations won't stop growing wealth and taking from our planet. They won't stop spreading disease like a plague until we're all dead and they have no one to sell to. Let's be preemptive and use our purchasing power to prove our point that we won't be pawns in a toxic game of who's gonna die first...we don't have the time to wait for these people to grow a conscience and realize that the accumulation of wealth will suffocate us all. After-all, what the fuck do they eat?
Everything in my kitchen is trying to kill me. I'm starving because I'm terrified to eat anything in my fridge or cupboards. It's partly my fault for not being more informed but mostly big business is to blame. As a result of moneymoneymoney...money, MONEY! (Read that like the song...I'm attempting to incorporate more song in to my writing so people don't want to kill themselves after reading...you know, like to lighten the mood and junk.) So, basically four huge companies tell us what we can eat. They sell the seeds of life to farmers who hungrily gobble them up because they're readily available, provide higher yields and who wants to argue with billion dollar bastards who'd make your life a living hell if you didn't comply. The seeds have been genetically modified either by way of pesticide injected into the DNA of the seed to ward off nasty predators or manipulated to emit a blanket of protection, again to reduce predation. For some reason, for many many years no one has questioned this practice because of the results. The savior of agriculture was GMO's. We're feeding the world aren't we? And for cheap! Also, a few individuals are getting really stinking rich over patents relating to seed ownership and distribution so winwin, right? Well consumers(in Canada and US), don't know what's safe and what isn't cuz there ain't no goddamn labels to tell us what GMO is or what it means for our health. Europe has options. They label their shit so consumers have a choice: Hmmmmmm, do I want to eat roundup with my apples today or not? Norway has completely banned genetic modification because, and I quote, 'Who would willingly put that into their body?' Haiti...after the tsunami that decimated their...everything...was offered 500,000 seeds from Monsanto...'take these' they say...'plant, grow, flourish again tiny Haiti.' Haiti burnt the seeds and said go fuck yo'selves. Haiti. One of the most impoverished, broke-ass, demolished nations in the world said, "No thanks. Seeds to us are life and we don't think you should be able to patent that." Haiti. Here in Canada we're lazy passivists. It gets cold and late in the day and we sit down with our meals in front of some sort of multimedia device and wile away the hours. Well people...we may have fewer and fewer of those hours to waste. New studies by a scientist in Europe have determined that GMO's are unsafe, unhealthy and slowly killing us from the inside out. Ever heard of this thing called, Cancer? Over two years two groups of rats were fed amply. One group with GM crap and the other not so much. After one year, the females in the GM group had huge cancerous tumors on their mammary glands...like bigger than the rats huge and the males had kidney and liver problems. The test group were perfectly happy...for rats. Monsanto fought to have this info published and have since won and stripped the experiment of its validity.
We don't know what we're eating. It's kept from us because of greed. If we chose to go back to a simpler way where farmers had their own piece of land, could save their seeds from previous years and essentially reaped what they sowed, we'd be healthier, happier and less filled with cancerous tumors. Also! We would be able to feed the entire population with organic farming, sans harmful chemicals(which over 500 insects are now immune to by the by...one worm is so immune it now feeds on the roundup oozing from our plants), so not so much an argument Monsuckityfuckersticksanto. I'm not saying we need to get out in the streets and riot...actually I would like that very much cuz you all should be as angry as I am right now but we do need legislation that requires accurate and honest labeling from the producers of everything we consume. I'm saying we need to get angry about being duped...so angry in our little homes that maybe change will come by how we vote with our dollar...what else do we have this point? Kinder Morgan owns the land and everything beneath it...Monsanto owns what we put in it and the only choice we have is to choose. If Haitians can say "piss off you wankers, we will not be bought', I think we could manage some organic shopping. You should be scared right now...scared enough to get informed and at the very least think before you cram some crap into your face. Or, we can sit in our comfy homes, consume whatever they tell us to or whatever's cheaper, get angry at the state of it all and our carcinogenic neck bulges, and die sooner from stress than the herbicides genetically grown into everything we fucking eat drink and breathe. Oh yeah...GMO's can be carried by pollinators or the fucking wind to non-GM plants...so, let's keep using them...seems reasonable and sustainable...fuck! These corporations won't stop growing wealth and taking from our planet. They won't stop spreading disease like a plague until we're all dead and they have no one to sell to. Let's be preemptive and use our purchasing power to prove our point that we won't be pawns in a toxic game of who's gonna die first...we don't have the time to wait for these people to grow a conscience and realize that the accumulation of wealth will suffocate us all. After-all, what the fuck do they eat?
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