A Terrible Thought

I am not a good person.  I aim to be.  I try to try.  I do everything in my power everyday to exercise the demons then get them nestled back in bondage where they seem contented for a time.  They creep out, sometimes unnoticed, and wreak havoc on my speak and manner.  It doesn't seem right with the amount of effort I put in to bury the fuckers...they continue to resurface and demand destruction.  Of what you may ask?  Of it all.  Of everything I hold dear and right and true.

He says things that drive my inner gross crazy.  But why is it so easy for me to allow the back to go up?  Past nonsense?  Is he an insensitive jerk?  Are they all insensitive jerks?  Why must I take everything so goddamn personal?  Is it in my nature as this horrid feminine energy to do so?  Am I the fucking nut job?  Yes to all?

If he compliments another, why do I cease to exist?  Am I such an insecure succubus that I cannot carry a conversation with the man I love without taking offense almost as obligation?  Perhaps.

The crows are massing round my window...I believe they sense my evil ways and are drawn to me like putrid stinking rotten garbage.

I look in his eyes and see such wonder.  How long until that fades and turns to dust?  How long before I fuck everything up or he shows me his truth and I run screaming from his arms?  I don't want to feel sick anymore.  Sick in my heart and head and hopeless all at once.  I want to be open and free to express all that I have to offer.  I want the good that I know is there to prevail and permeate every reach of action.

I should step naked into the frost and allow the crows to peck away any dignity I have left.  Let them take what they rightfully want and leave me be.  I should be alone forever.  Subject no one any longer to my inability just to be and feel.  I only want the best for him...for his happiness in every facet.  Perhaps it would be best if I let him go.  It would break me but he could move on to better times and greener pastures.  No.  I'll never do that.  For I am the mayor of Albuquerque.

Can Not It Be?

can you love someone without knowing them?  must we speak of such things so very soon?  must it all appear so very rapidly?  if you feel it, should you say it?

I am a part of something quite tormented...it's called a workplace.  Man, do those things blow.

am I able to love without full disclosure?  are you?  is anybody?  sleep has been difficult...I wonder if this guilt is necessary.  is that cruel or pragmatic?  sometimes c'est difficile... do I enjoy keeping myself in a cage?  attached to everything all at once...I do enjoy being busy i suppose.

my entire apartment smells of lilacs and mums, and orchids and daisies, and some other shit I'd like to learn about.  It's quite romantic.  not sure how to feel about it.  undeserving feels I.  if I wasn't an asshole that believed in 'deserve' as an action word...maybe.  i wrote poetry once.  I think it was good.  whatever that means.  between the click of the light and the start of the dream says I by way of someone else.  I want to be good and do good.  it doesn't necessarily have to relate to someone else, does it?  can i exist in a kindness state of solitude where i try for no one attention but for my own peace of mind...

a girl can dream