But She Filled Out

I don't know where to take my life or what to do with it when I get there.  I have few years left to decide before I grow too old, too weak and too afraid to change.  That's what happens.  Aging is wonderfully fulfilling.  Not sure anymore if a change of scenery really has any bearing on my level of contentment.  Am I running?  Or hiding?  Perhaps I'm just a nuanced nomad at heart with a desire to see it all before I shuffle off this mortal cunty coil.  Switching towns doesn't seem to change who I am for I've concluded I'm still an angry asshole who gets sad sometimes.

Life seems so easy for some.  So difficult for others.  I know in the grand scheme of what is offered, I have it alright.  I'm just confused as to where to go from here.  My old way of answering these questions and moving forward is no longer working.  The paralysis I feel is from the chest down.  How do I know which path to take now?  Do I settle in to what I've known?  Go back to what I've done before?  Try out a bunch of new shit, potentially wasting countless hours and money?  I suppose either way that's an all encompassing statement for life:  The potential to waste countless hours and money.  Days off aren't providing any form of relaxation.  I just sit in a tense little ball on my bed, thinking myself to death with tears spilling down over my already salty cheeks.  I wake from sleep with similar thoughts so not even sweet sweet slumber which I treasure so is permitting me release.

Life used to seem so simple when I felt like I had endless amounts of time to spare.  Now I feel the clock everyday dictating the rules, formulating the end.  So what do I want?  Why is it so very hard to know?  I use to know, or thought I knew.  Thirteen years later, i don't know anymore.  What I thought I knew is known and now I just don't fucking know.  Perhaps the lesson here is we never really do.  Plug away and grind on.  Touch a life here or there with your comedic hostility and turn to dust.  I can't tell if I'm thinking far too big or far too small.  Am I distracting my cells with needless torment to detract from the second hand?  I don't dream about untold mysteries or of things to come or even of flying anymore.  I use to have flying dreams.  Even my subconscious is bored with my decision-making.  Or lack there of.  It took me two hours yesterday to decide how to get out of Queensborough.  Trust me when I tell you, Queensborough is exceedingly easy to get out of.  I'm trying to follow so many different paths, I've forgotten how to make my own.  That's it!  I want to make my own.  I want to lead a group, not follow behind blind to the battles at bay.  I want to affect change not be privy to its whim.  I want to blaze a trail so bright that people for years to come could bask in its afterglow.  Thank you Frank, but I wanna do it...my way.  Even if it all ends in tragic turmoil...I can say that.  The rest can cluck their tongues and roll their eyes and comment on how the girl at the very least, filled out nice.  

Ignorant Penguin

I do not nor have I ever claimed to know the answers.  I ask more than I solve and seek more than I sow.  I want to fix...Everything.  I want people to see the reality we exist in and change it.  I want to pop every bubble we surround ourselves with and have each other to fall on.  We can get angry.  I know we can.  We do but sometimes I feel like it's misdirected.  It's like we take a subject and go nuts on it for a time and then the energy dissipates and our supper gets cold and we relinquish just enough hold on our power for everything to fall apart.  Think about where we'd be as a species if the harangued, hassled, horrified masses of the Civil Rights movement just got fatigued one day and went home.  Or if the Egyptians needed naps and took the night off to see if democracy would just work itself out.  I feel lost in a sea of shit that needs to be remedied.  It's almost as if I could see the whole complicated picture if that one piece of the puzzle forgotten in the heating duct would surface and complete itself.

I want to run away.  I want to flee to a place where I can be with those who feel the intensity of what we need to do and take action.  Unite our abilities, our passion and fix this torment.  I know it begins at home.  I know it starts with me.  How?  It doesn't seem enough.  It's never going to be enough.  Knowing those in my life work for the very people ruining our planet and our health and our very well being as a civilization makes me want to tear my hair out and scream in their faces that this is not the way.

"THIS WILL NEVER BE THE WAY!"

It's not that I need everyone to be the same as I.  To feel the same as me and commit themselves to a life of worry and disconnect and solitude.  As fun as that sounds and can totally be at times...it's not everyone's cup of tea.  I get that.  Can't you try?  A little?  To listen to your heart and utilize your brain to make this trip around the sun as peaceful as possible?  We have less time than you think.  Do the right thing people.  Everyday.  Make the choice everyday to be broke but eat well;  To walk not drive;  To be kind not cruel;  To control your emotions and broadcast compassion on every frequency you fucking possess.  I'm tired of hiding in plain sight and maintaining composure at all costs.  Time to step out.  Time to be free.  It's beyond the point of unreality.  Let's be real together shall we?

Vexations a Plenty

I've changed the name of my blog.  I don't know if the new title truly embodies me as a whole and complete unit but it doesn't make me enraged to read it.  Funny how pointing out anger dissipates its hold.  That's my goal here I suppose.  Understanding.  Release.  Gain back the control I feel so without.  Also a reason for the title change.  I've been having nightmares about the past.  Things I thought were dead and gone.  Well, at least dealt with.  I don't want to be the kind of person who runs from things.  That wasn't the idea behind the title change.  I want to be free of the past that I have so long associated with.  I want to be the kind of person who sees things anew and welcomes it...you know, the things?  The new things that come up in a day that should be embraced and nurtured than set free to do what they wish like the argon in the air or the plant that grows but seems to hate it.  Plants no like me.

I want to be free to act.  To truly act in a moment without second guessing or trepidation or regard for my safety.  Not in a crazy reckless way but a limitless, unbounded sort.  Act first, think later.  Seems so irrational and awesome.

I know of myself that I want to love one person forever.  I want the kind of connection that seems impossible.

I use to talk to people on the phone.  Like my first boyfriend.  All we seemed to do was talk on the phone.  Remind you this was pre-everyonehadacellphoneandabusedtheshitoutofit days.  I have a cell phone because that's the thing to do.  They're cool.  Handy as all get out.  They come at a greater cost than most of us realize.  This whole wealth ordeal...I have way less than some and way more than most...is really bumming me out.  Yeah, I get it.  Be grateful and quit your bitching you selfish, narrow minded prick.  Um, I am all of those things sometimes.  Right now, I feel guilt.  Immense guilt.  Billions of people are impoverished because of my 'wealth'.  The rain-forests are clear cut at a rate of 20,000 square miles a year as a result of my 'needs' here in cushy Canada.  Tiny Bangladeshi hands separate precious metals from the outdated crap I've sent to their country only to ship it to China where many more tiny fingers create the technology I've come to rely on.  I can walk with ease to grab a burger while texting my lover and I usually think nothing of it.  I want my eyes to be open, not so that I feel bad about shit all of my waking days, or to pressure others who aren't ready to hear it into listening...but to do better.  Don't you want to do better for yourself and for this planet whose resources we pilfer for our own amusement?  I remember life before a computer and a cell phone.  I think I was happier.  Not because I was ignorant to reality but because I was more real.  More receptive.  More open.  Technology has taught me to hate people and yet I cannot let it go.  I can't.  I NEED it.  Don't we all.  Also, this tiny device is giving me brain cancer...just saying.  You could have a land line for like five bucks a month and no one does it.  I want to bring back the land line and answering machines.  I'm gonna call China post haste and get my old message machine back.  It's in a pile somewhere.