Vexations a Plenty

I've changed the name of my blog.  I don't know if the new title truly embodies me as a whole and complete unit but it doesn't make me enraged to read it.  Funny how pointing out anger dissipates its hold.  That's my goal here I suppose.  Understanding.  Release.  Gain back the control I feel so without.  Also a reason for the title change.  I've been having nightmares about the past.  Things I thought were dead and gone.  Well, at least dealt with.  I don't want to be the kind of person who runs from things.  That wasn't the idea behind the title change.  I want to be free of the past that I have so long associated with.  I want to be the kind of person who sees things anew and welcomes it...you know, the things?  The new things that come up in a day that should be embraced and nurtured than set free to do what they wish like the argon in the air or the plant that grows but seems to hate it.  Plants no like me.

I want to be free to act.  To truly act in a moment without second guessing or trepidation or regard for my safety.  Not in a crazy reckless way but a limitless, unbounded sort.  Act first, think later.  Seems so irrational and awesome.

I know of myself that I want to love one person forever.  I want the kind of connection that seems impossible.

I use to talk to people on the phone.  Like my first boyfriend.  All we seemed to do was talk on the phone.  Remind you this was pre-everyonehadacellphoneandabusedtheshitoutofit days.  I have a cell phone because that's the thing to do.  They're cool.  Handy as all get out.  They come at a greater cost than most of us realize.  This whole wealth ordeal...I have way less than some and way more than most...is really bumming me out.  Yeah, I get it.  Be grateful and quit your bitching you selfish, narrow minded prick.  Um, I am all of those things sometimes.  Right now, I feel guilt.  Immense guilt.  Billions of people are impoverished because of my 'wealth'.  The rain-forests are clear cut at a rate of 20,000 square miles a year as a result of my 'needs' here in cushy Canada.  Tiny Bangladeshi hands separate precious metals from the outdated crap I've sent to their country only to ship it to China where many more tiny fingers create the technology I've come to rely on.  I can walk with ease to grab a burger while texting my lover and I usually think nothing of it.  I want my eyes to be open, not so that I feel bad about shit all of my waking days, or to pressure others who aren't ready to hear it into listening...but to do better.  Don't you want to do better for yourself and for this planet whose resources we pilfer for our own amusement?  I remember life before a computer and a cell phone.  I think I was happier.  Not because I was ignorant to reality but because I was more real.  More receptive.  More open.  Technology has taught me to hate people and yet I cannot let it go.  I can't.  I NEED it.  Don't we all.  Also, this tiny device is giving me brain cancer...just saying.  You could have a land line for like five bucks a month and no one does it.  I want to bring back the land line and answering machines.  I'm gonna call China post haste and get my old message machine back.  It's in a pile somewhere.