I'm circling the drain here people. It's dizzying and I don't do well with continuous circles. Vomit and anger ensue. I am beyond tense. I feel as if I've been in a ten year long panic attack of slow and measured precision. It's swelling now to a piercing vibrato and my fucking back is killing me. I'm too young to feel so old. I'm so afraid to be locked in. Yet I am the one who's doing the locking and the one who is is inevitably locked. I look to others for respite. I look to the www for relief. I long for some peace and quiet in a brain that refuses to stop. 'We're in this together!' Fucking brain...
I am so desperate to rid myself of my current situation that options seem to flow endlessly in my direction. Choosing one that I can afford and stomach for a considerable amount of time...now there's the rub. Well, I scored 15 out of 15 on a Facebook knowledge test...I must be destined for greatness! I should pursue my dreams of astrophysics and solve the unanswerable. That's what I want. What I don't want is to be in my mid forties paying off eighty thousand dollars worth of student loans(and that's on the lowest end), with no experience in a field that rips people apart in a competitive arena made up of the most brilliant minds one can fathom. Ok. That's off the table. So what's next? Wildlife biologist. Animals are awesome. I'd never speak to another living soul if I could warrant it. Four years minimum...did I mention I suck at math and all of the sciences? Then every job out there is asking a minimum of two years experience out in the field following graduation to even be considered. Thirty seven, still in debt from school and working the same shit work I sneered at years earlier cuz no motherfucker will hire a new graduate with no experience. NEXT! Vet Tech. Two years. Minimal cost. Low pay. Cleaning up dog shit all the live long day. No offense to anyone following this noble pursuit, but how is that different from what I do now? I clean up after other people all day long. I spend eight and a half hours watching the clock; Feeling more and more anxious that I'm never going to amount to anything...never going to help anyone...going to die with no legacy or triumph to speak of. I am freaking out. How's about a business degree? That could take me anywhere right? Claw my way through the world with a smile and a wink? Lose everything I hold dear to me like honesty, dignity, integrity and not being a fucking dick? Ugh...what am I left with? Stay where I am, always wishing I was somewhere else? Focus on those once a year trips that seem to make life livable? Continue to drink and smoke myself into oblivion? I cut all my hair off and I still fell heavy. What good's a metaphor if it doesn't fucking deliver? How do other people do this? How do other people figure their shit out?
Monday, February 2, 2015
Damn Dirty Apes
A man was asked, 'What do you fear most about women?'
The man replied, 'That they'll laugh at us."
A woman was asked, 'What do you fear most about men?'
A woman replied, "That they'll kill us."
This hit me, hard. Underlying every relationship, in whatever form it has ever taken since the dawn of civilization as we know it, this is the foundation from which we begin. We have nor will we ever be equals. Sure, some laws are in place and will continue to be implemented that allow us some liberties. We have safe homes for where we can run to, temporarily. We have structures in place within our society that keep us relatively safe, in the interim. Hell, we may very well have a female president of the free world come 2016...thanks Illuminati for understanding the needs of our world before we do. A black man president? Let's go crazy and elect the lesser of the sexes to lead. This will shut em up for a time...See! We've reached equality! Racism is over and men and women are as one. This is all false and fleeting and forged from a place of fear and desperation. We had to come up with something to protect our little baby-makers...for in the end we are the only reason society has flourished...bless modern medicine but without our miracle uteri, we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.
E! You know the channel for entertainment and garbage? Well, they came up with a 'mani-cam'. It is literally a camera that they bring to Hollywood-type events to film the manicures of the female participants. Do you ask the same questions to the male counterparts? How are we going to advance as a sex if we're forced to participate in the constant degradation of our female populace by concerning ourselves with who they're wearing and what their fucking nails look like. Is that all we are? Pretty things to be objectified and over-sexified til we're reduced to walking fucking vagina's with mouths and long eyelashes? 'Oh my Kate Blanchett, who did your eyelashes?' Fuck you.
A recent female tennis player was asked to twirl in her little tennis outfit by a reporter. She did so, embarrassed for herself and probably for every female athlete out there. Your entire life dedicated to a craft and in one phrase, reduced to a pretty little thing to be admired, obsessed over and discarded as readily. Tireless days and nights spent struggling, sweating, screaming and now...twirling. I guess you know you've made it as a woman when you're asked to twirl. Will Hillary Clinton be asked to do the same when she's sworn in? No bible for her...'Madame President, if you wouldn't mind twirling, we could move on to the business of running the free world.'
I was reading the newspaper...the same paper that scolded the reporter for asking Eugenie Bouchard to twirl; Claiming that this request was reprehensible...their following print had 'The latest trend for Lingerie' on the front cover. Sex sells, certainly. Why is it that the only sex worth merchandising is ours? Why are tits and ass so fucking profitable? Ladies, we are 51% of the population! Could we use our sheer dominating numbers to put an end to this abasement? And yes, I understand the irony in calling our junk 'tits and ass'...just trying to keep the male readers content. Fuck! I'm part of the problem.
Are we so afraid to make true and lasting change to the system because deep down we fear being wiped out? Really? Or are we ingrained to believe that we are the lesser sex, we are designed to produce, reproduce, to swallow what we're given, grin and ask for another? I say fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck those that engage in the 'twirling' for fear of hurting someones feelings...or coming off the 'bitch'. We have been programmed to feel that there are two types of women: The Bitch or The Whore. You can be both or one...I say none. I say I'm Rhandi Diane Neal. I follow no path but the one I build for myself everyday. I won't be commanded. I won't fear your opinion of me if I say no. I won't change my habits as a result of public scrutiny. Your judgments are empty until I instill meaning and I won't be a part of allowing you to keep in a bubble brimming with my body parts you insist are beautiful and I should embrace. Fuck yeah I embrace I'm beautiful but it's not because you told me to feel this way. It's not because I have these physical attributes that I'm beautiful. It's the whole. The package is to hold all the awesomeness in, cuz you wouldn't be able to handle me without it.
Ladies, we don't need to be naked to be valuable. We don't need to be nude to be marketed. We are not this body part or that lock of hair. Don't separate yourself into parts and sell them to the highest bidder. The price changes but the cost to you and our sex is ever higher. Stop allowing men to keep us from striving for more because we may hurt their delicate sensibilities. Stop allowing women to make you feel like less cuz you don't have the right pair of shoes or your purse didn't cost a months rent. Be you. Be true. Fuck the rest. Fuck the media ran by rich old white dudes with cialis boners. Fuck the women who engage in the behavior that ties us to our parts and leaves us without much more. Fuck you if you read this and get up your own ass about how it's not cool to complain about shit when I live where I do and have what I have. I feel your eyes everyday and it makes me sick to think about where I've been placed in that sick sex obsessed brain of yours. No I don't want your dick if I ask you nicely not to piss at the bus station next to me. I'm not asking you to stop because I want your cock and can't stop myself from thinking about it. I want you to act like a human fucking being cuz I'm someones daughter. Guaranteed you have a sister, a wife, a daughter of your own...probably not a mother you bacterium from the depths of some ancient pus filled hole. Take your wiener and go fuck yourself with it, cuz ain't no one in this time or space want anything your wielding.
I am beyond stoked for a female president (let's face it, she's as much ours as anybody else's), and I embrace all of the sexist, ageist, ludicrous comments/acts to come. Hold your head high Girl...you're going to save us all.
The man replied, 'That they'll laugh at us."
A woman was asked, 'What do you fear most about men?'
A woman replied, "That they'll kill us."
This hit me, hard. Underlying every relationship, in whatever form it has ever taken since the dawn of civilization as we know it, this is the foundation from which we begin. We have nor will we ever be equals. Sure, some laws are in place and will continue to be implemented that allow us some liberties. We have safe homes for where we can run to, temporarily. We have structures in place within our society that keep us relatively safe, in the interim. Hell, we may very well have a female president of the free world come 2016...thanks Illuminati for understanding the needs of our world before we do. A black man president? Let's go crazy and elect the lesser of the sexes to lead. This will shut em up for a time...See! We've reached equality! Racism is over and men and women are as one. This is all false and fleeting and forged from a place of fear and desperation. We had to come up with something to protect our little baby-makers...for in the end we are the only reason society has flourished...bless modern medicine but without our miracle uteri, we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.
E! You know the channel for entertainment and garbage? Well, they came up with a 'mani-cam'. It is literally a camera that they bring to Hollywood-type events to film the manicures of the female participants. Do you ask the same questions to the male counterparts? How are we going to advance as a sex if we're forced to participate in the constant degradation of our female populace by concerning ourselves with who they're wearing and what their fucking nails look like. Is that all we are? Pretty things to be objectified and over-sexified til we're reduced to walking fucking vagina's with mouths and long eyelashes? 'Oh my Kate Blanchett, who did your eyelashes?' Fuck you.
A recent female tennis player was asked to twirl in her little tennis outfit by a reporter. She did so, embarrassed for herself and probably for every female athlete out there. Your entire life dedicated to a craft and in one phrase, reduced to a pretty little thing to be admired, obsessed over and discarded as readily. Tireless days and nights spent struggling, sweating, screaming and now...twirling. I guess you know you've made it as a woman when you're asked to twirl. Will Hillary Clinton be asked to do the same when she's sworn in? No bible for her...'Madame President, if you wouldn't mind twirling, we could move on to the business of running the free world.'
I was reading the newspaper...the same paper that scolded the reporter for asking Eugenie Bouchard to twirl; Claiming that this request was reprehensible...their following print had 'The latest trend for Lingerie' on the front cover. Sex sells, certainly. Why is it that the only sex worth merchandising is ours? Why are tits and ass so fucking profitable? Ladies, we are 51% of the population! Could we use our sheer dominating numbers to put an end to this abasement? And yes, I understand the irony in calling our junk 'tits and ass'...just trying to keep the male readers content. Fuck! I'm part of the problem.
Are we so afraid to make true and lasting change to the system because deep down we fear being wiped out? Really? Or are we ingrained to believe that we are the lesser sex, we are designed to produce, reproduce, to swallow what we're given, grin and ask for another? I say fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck those that engage in the 'twirling' for fear of hurting someones feelings...or coming off the 'bitch'. We have been programmed to feel that there are two types of women: The Bitch or The Whore. You can be both or one...I say none. I say I'm Rhandi Diane Neal. I follow no path but the one I build for myself everyday. I won't be commanded. I won't fear your opinion of me if I say no. I won't change my habits as a result of public scrutiny. Your judgments are empty until I instill meaning and I won't be a part of allowing you to keep in a bubble brimming with my body parts you insist are beautiful and I should embrace. Fuck yeah I embrace I'm beautiful but it's not because you told me to feel this way. It's not because I have these physical attributes that I'm beautiful. It's the whole. The package is to hold all the awesomeness in, cuz you wouldn't be able to handle me without it.
Ladies, we don't need to be naked to be valuable. We don't need to be nude to be marketed. We are not this body part or that lock of hair. Don't separate yourself into parts and sell them to the highest bidder. The price changes but the cost to you and our sex is ever higher. Stop allowing men to keep us from striving for more because we may hurt their delicate sensibilities. Stop allowing women to make you feel like less cuz you don't have the right pair of shoes or your purse didn't cost a months rent. Be you. Be true. Fuck the rest. Fuck the media ran by rich old white dudes with cialis boners. Fuck the women who engage in the behavior that ties us to our parts and leaves us without much more. Fuck you if you read this and get up your own ass about how it's not cool to complain about shit when I live where I do and have what I have. I feel your eyes everyday and it makes me sick to think about where I've been placed in that sick sex obsessed brain of yours. No I don't want your dick if I ask you nicely not to piss at the bus station next to me. I'm not asking you to stop because I want your cock and can't stop myself from thinking about it. I want you to act like a human fucking being cuz I'm someones daughter. Guaranteed you have a sister, a wife, a daughter of your own...probably not a mother you bacterium from the depths of some ancient pus filled hole. Take your wiener and go fuck yourself with it, cuz ain't no one in this time or space want anything your wielding.
I am beyond stoked for a female president (let's face it, she's as much ours as anybody else's), and I embrace all of the sexist, ageist, ludicrous comments/acts to come. Hold your head high Girl...you're going to save us all.
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