Choking on a Sea of Non-Choices

I'm circling the drain here people.  It's dizzying and I don't do well with continuous circles.  Vomit and anger ensue.  I am beyond tense.  I feel as if I've been in a ten year long panic attack of slow and measured precision.  It's swelling now to a piercing vibrato and my fucking back is killing me.  I'm too young to feel so old.  I'm so afraid to be locked in.  Yet I am the one who's doing the locking and the one who is is inevitably locked.  I look to others for respite.  I look to the www for relief.  I long for some peace and quiet in a brain that refuses to stop.  'We're in this together!'  Fucking brain...

I am so desperate to rid myself of my current situation that options seem to flow endlessly in my direction.  Choosing one that I can afford and stomach for a considerable amount of time...now there's the rub.  Well, I scored 15 out of 15 on a Facebook knowledge test...I must be destined for greatness!  I should pursue my dreams of astrophysics and solve the unanswerable.  That's what I want.  What I don't want is to be in my mid forties paying off eighty thousand dollars worth of student loans(and that's on the lowest end), with no experience in a field that rips people apart in a competitive arena made up of the most brilliant minds one can fathom.  Ok.  That's off the table.  So what's next?  Wildlife biologist.  Animals are awesome.  I'd never speak to another living soul if I could warrant it.  Four years minimum...did I mention I suck at math and all of the sciences?  Then every job out there is asking a minimum of two years experience out in the field following graduation to even be considered.  Thirty seven, still in debt from school and working the same shit work I sneered at years earlier cuz no motherfucker will hire a new graduate with no experience.  NEXT!  Vet Tech.  Two years.  Minimal cost.  Low pay.  Cleaning up dog shit all the live long day.  No offense to anyone following this noble pursuit, but how is that different from what I do now?  I clean up after other people all day long.  I spend eight and a half hours watching the clock;  Feeling more and more anxious that I'm never going to amount to anything...never going to help anyone...going to die with no legacy or triumph to speak of.  I am freaking out.  How's about a business degree?  That could take me anywhere right?  Claw my way through the world with a smile and a wink?  Lose everything I hold dear to me like honesty, dignity, integrity and not being a fucking dick?  Ugh...what am I left with?  Stay where I am, always wishing I was somewhere else?  Focus on those once a year trips that seem to make life livable?  Continue to drink and smoke myself into oblivion?  I cut all my hair off and I still fell heavy.  What good's a metaphor if it doesn't fucking deliver?  How do other people do this?  How do other people figure their shit out?