A+ For Effort

It's been said that to commit to making the same errors in judgement time and time again while expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity.  Hi, my name is Rhandi.

I went out drinking/pubbing/gallivanting around the town last night.  Again.  I know what will happen when I do this.  I know how I will feel the next day.  I know I will tell myself that next weekend I will be a changed individual who will not fill my body with toxic substances that leave me euphoric, than progresses to a free fall of loneliness, despair and shame.

It's always the same:

The evening begins well enough;  Maybe with a bite to eat, a pint and some female companionship.  I meet a few people, we get our cardio in by walking from one pub to the next and completing silly, half-in-the-bag tasks along the way.  Like karate kicking the air for an entire city block.  Why not?  We're alive, we're buzzed and it feels good to be accomplishing something.  What, exactly, that is...I have yet to determine.  I'll meet a few people and bond with my ladies in the washroom.  All of the worlds problems get solved there over funny urine streams and the inadequacy of the washroom itself.  So many shitty shitters out there.

Music will also be had.  Glorious revel in man's greatest service to himself.  Then, I'll end up with the rest of the wayward souls at the only place left open at that forsaken hour and things descend from there.  Some laughs, more booze, many more trips to the bathroom to save the world...and men.  This is the witching hour of finding a hook-up before things get sad and sleepy.  I will engage those that I know are 'safe'.  The Gays mostly or fellow females.  Then one particularly determined hetero will attempt to stab his flag into my fertile soil and shit gets low.  I refuse the advances made which begin innocent and amicable.  Fifteen to thirty minutes later, my refusal of advances confuses the poor boy and he begins to degrade me to the entire bar.  I think he's either burning the land so no one else can grow there or he believes this to be a brilliant plan to win my affection by appealing to my insecurity and Daddy issues.  Like I don't see through his act.  Through all of the games people play with one another to get a piece.  He'll call me names and attempt to break me down.  I'm already broken fool and there is no lower I can reach.  I will either ignore his childish and deplorable behavior or, level him.  Sometimes I don't have the energy to achieve the levelling an individual male needs in any given situation so I usually choose the former.  Also, the humans around us have labelled him an idiot so I've succeeded in cock-blocking the moron for at least another eve.  This results in insults to my intelligence, character or body.  Then he leaves and I am done with humanity.

At this point, I will guzzle the remainder of my libation and stumble home with one eye on my back.  Some men think a lady at three am is fair game.  Not cool.  Safe at home, I will cook something that should not be cooked so late and set off the fire alarm.  After displacing the smoke from my cooked dinner, I will watch something mindless while stuffing my face with spaghetti with bread and butter, cookies and a bag of caramel popcorn.  Once I've satiated the need to feed, I'll pass out knowing full well the shitty sleep I'm about to endure.  Then the morning comes far too soon and I spend the day regretting the majority of my actions, the amount of calories I consumed right before bed and the fact that I did it again.  I've poisoned my brain and my body for a few brief connections and the feeling that just for a moment, I'm where I'm suppose to be.  

So this is me, writing it down in the hopes that it will be in my brain to not repeat the same behavior that has not served me since my early twenties.  My goal is to take this awareness and slowly chip away at the reason behind my actions so that I can choose more wisely.  I'll let you know how it goes, next Friday.