Procreation: For Those Afraid to go it Alone

Timing in life is everything.  I ponder such things while staring out at the river before me, seated on a wooden bench.  I was feeling inspired or maybe just desperate to make a major change for the better.  I had the day before thrown out all of my junk food.  The rich caramel covered popcorn, the salty cheesy chips, and the newly purchased pistachio gelato chilling in my freezer.  I had never been able to do that before and for this I was feeling empowered.  Who knew the hold such ingredients had on me.  Some people realize far too late.  Anyway, as much as this new journey I am on excites me, it's not what brings me to the keys at this hour on a school night.

With my healthy shopping list guiding my steps, I removed myself from the soothing thoughts of river and solitude and made my way to the local food jobber.  Distracted by the music blaring in my headphones, I climbed the slender overpass walkway up and up and up until I hit the point of no return.  Before I realized what was happening it was too late and there could be no retreat.  There, at the top of the hill with no place to go but through, was the married man I had an affair with for over a year and his glowing wife.  She was glowing because of the little wrapped bundle swaddled in her new mother arms.  Fuck.  Please do not mistake that I am wanting any form of sympathy for my misdeeds.  I merely aim to pose some queries to the necessity of me bearing witness to my folly.  I knew what I was doing.  It was stupid, selfish and unevolved.  Nay, this married man did not inform me of his nuptials until after we had slept together.  But I was the one that continued on after knowing for far too fucking long.  I was the other woman and I vow never to be again.

In a split second I thought seriously about turning coat.

I had to face it.  Whatever "it" might have become.  Like her knowing who I was somehow(not bloody likely as Married One was quite the coward) and gouging out my eyes.  Or myself and Married One locking eyes, falling deeply in love and he abandoning his newly minted partner, sweeps me off my feet and away we go to live happily ever fucked forever.  I soldiered on.  I looked at her and smiled although later I thought how fake that was of me.  How dishonest.  People with children get scorn and judgement from me and nothing less.  They are polluting our planet with people and must be stopped.  I digress...So I smiled at her without really making full contact and I looked at that motherfucker right in his stupid coward face.  I thought about saying 'hello' just to make him squirm.  He kept a wide berth and refused eye contact.  And that was that.  I started to laugh, really hard.  Almost maniacally.  It was painful and hilarious.  If I had sat on that fucking uncomfortable bench for five minutes more, I wouldn't have run into them.  If I had walked a few steps slower or went a different route...not to mention all of the variables posed to the opposition.  Not that we are opposed per se but fuck her and him and their stupid baby.  Fuck her for carrying on with a man that doesn't want to be a father and yet marriage plus time equals baby making.  Fuck him for being a lying, cheating deserter to his wife, to me and probably to his growing offspring.  Fuck time for making this so.  What lesson am I to glean from this spot of garbage?  IS there such a lesson or is everything just fucked and random and stupid and painful...don't answer that.   Afterwards I thought about bearing all right then and there on the overpass to his beaming lady and laying waste to her happiness and his sense of security.  I fantasized about taking some power back and wasting truth all over their sham of a marriage that will only be realized twenty years from now when their kid's a cutter and the resentment has swallowed them both.  It would have been very Hollywood and awesome.  I guess deep down, I'm not a total asshole.  Let them have their fallacy.  I will be old and hot, slighted yet superior.  I  don't need to contribute.

I bought a bunch of really healthy shit after I stood in front of the lettuce for a while with tears welling up, trying to contemplate why any of that experience was necessary.  So not all was lost.