A Funny Thing Happened...

on the way home from work at 4am. I've been thinking about perception a lot lately. How we perceive the world in all its particulars is directly related to subjectivity. What I perceive as cold may not be deemed as such by another, say a crack whore at four am with her coat swung open and I with my scarf wrapped up to my eyeballs...it was minus eighteen after all. Now, objectively, it was a wee bit chilly. The crack whore had probably just left a vehicle and was filled with ooeey gooeey warmness(ugh, that turned my stomach a little), and decidedly high as, well, a crack whore. After I avoided her stumblings, I thought about how we witness the world. Why some things are felt in certain lights and some things in others. I believe I see with eyes that are aware. I explain the world away and hence sadness follows me like, well, warm and gooeey crack whores. She probably just wanted to rob me blind. Anyhow, observing the way in which I do, I notice that I question what makes me happy and why. There was a time I perceived the world as brimming with potential. Perhaps I get lost in the day to day and forget to chill. Perhaps what use to fill me with contentment no longer offers what it did. Should I branch out to new things, or continue to beat this dead crack horse? No one misses her. I also ponder on what other people think of me. Of how they discern things I say or do, or not. As a result of negative or positive occurring in my existence thus far, completely alters how I am affected by occurrences now. To an extent this is good. I've learned that if the oven is on and I place my hand upon it, it will invariably hurt. So I have perceived this as bad. However, being programmed in this manner cannot be turned off. You do not forget that the stove hurts, nor do you forget how people can affect you in very much the same way. I spend my life running from things I deem "bad" or hurtful and bee-lining towards those that contain the opposite. I think if I were to attain balance, I would be bored. Why is being comfortable so awful? I detest it so. Yet, I fear the challenge. Failure has so many horrid connotations but is it so? Is failing just another perception that we give meaning to? I think failure is the thing I fear most, but what makes it so scary? The greatest thinkers/artists/heroes failed all the time. That's how they learned. Perhaps I am not learning because I am not willing to risk whatever it is I'm doing to fall apart. I wish it were simple to flip your brain, turn your world upside down and begin anew. See the world in a new light and take it for the illusion it truly is. Laugh at myself daily, enjoy a moment for what it is, be grateful for everything all the time and smile unabashedly for no reason at all...although, what would people think?