Saturday, October 27, 2012

Sojourn

Do I fret for fear?  Do I complain for solace?  Am i insane?  Why must I refuse happiness.

Does being miserable comfort me?  Do i see the world as some great tragedy i star in?  How bizarre.  How unsightly.  Everyone dies in tragedies, so that's at the very least...fitting.  How I wish for consistent joy.  Too much to ask for?  I take on roles of leadership then despise the process.  Some of this 'process' is quite ridiculous though, isn't it?  i would so like to speak the truth to people who really need to hear it.  Would it do any good?  Would they stare up at me with obstinate ignorant eyes, confused and so fucking angry?  Would anything change?  Do people respond to being checked?  How do I respond?  I hate it.  Especially if it comes from a place of untruths and insecurity.  Why then, do I choose to bring it all in, consume and leave nothing but a dusty sky and taupe abyss?  I think taupe would be the worst color in the world to live with for all time; A time.  Life is meant for color and I have been unresponsive to it.  I look without seeing.  I should just harbor gratitude and leave it at that.

When I stop thinking about it, usually after a few tokes, I am divinely sated.  Then I abuse it and there we are.

I don't want to do good for him.  That sucks.  I want to do good.  I am driven to expel all energy, most of the time.  It's exhausting and I should love it.  i do not.  It insults me to try at this juncture.  I am torn.  Not enough to give up on my expulsions but enough to fuck with my brain...and skin!  Jesus, I feel like I'm in high school again.  Zit faced and busted.  I feel better.  Gonna watch war shit now.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Sips

A mournful tune of solitude was all I thought would be allowed.  By whom was this obscenity dictated?  By you.  You gave me less than the time of the day.  You gave nothing and took it all.  All of my passion and innocent longing and spirit for the only thing that matters in this life.  GET OUT
                                                getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetout

You surface in my brain when I refused to let you in.  Has this refusal been my undoing?  What must I do to banish you from every fibre?  Every cell?  Every one of my memories.  Remembering you has not made me better.  I have learned what not to do, not because of you.  You taught me nothing.  You took and continue to take without remorse....Jesus Christ!  Without knowledge of what you've done.  What I allowed you to do.  I granted you this permission and now the gates won't close.  They've grown rusty with tired rage;  The hinges caked with dutiful diligence.  Why do I carry on in this?  Why do I permit the gates to remain in disarray and ill regard?  I want you out.  I want the gates to disintegrate and to have never have known your name.  You come to me in dreams without consent and fuck with me throughout the day.  Your unwitting refusal to be gone is infuriating.  To say this to your stupid haunting face would do no benefit.  You wouldn't even understand.  You don't even know my name.

I drained myself for the thought of the potential of you.  What have you done with all the power I gave you?  The least.  The worst.  You've done nothing.  It was all me.  It's been all on me and I sacrifice for a creature with no heart.  No concept of what it means to offer, to self-deny.  I can't even fucking blame you.  Or can I?  You knew.  I knew you knew.  We all knew you and know now.  You continued to creep back so steadily, so noisily.  You announced your arrival like a truck filled with bricks crushing a crowd of unaware onlookers.  Yet no apology.  No regard.  no notice.  Are you capable?  Are you able to feel what I've felt?  Do people like you get this?  I want you gone.  Do you hear me, you fucking worm?  Slithering about within my sleeping sight so I can't rid myself of you nor figure out where you are still finding ways in.  How do you block your subconscious from reaching you?  How do you keep things that seem out of your grasp under control?  I never even laid my hands upon you yet you haunt me as though I had.  I hate what I've allowed you to do.  I should have.  I should have.