Sojourn

Do I fret for fear?  Do I complain for solace?  Am i insane?  Why must I refuse happiness.

Does being miserable comfort me?  Do i see the world as some great tragedy i star in?  How bizarre.  How unsightly.  Everyone dies in tragedies, so that's at the very least...fitting.  How I wish for consistent joy.  Too much to ask for?  I take on roles of leadership then despise the process.  Some of this 'process' is quite ridiculous though, isn't it?  i would so like to speak the truth to people who really need to hear it.  Would it do any good?  Would they stare up at me with obstinate ignorant eyes, confused and so fucking angry?  Would anything change?  Do people respond to being checked?  How do I respond?  I hate it.  Especially if it comes from a place of untruths and insecurity.  Why then, do I choose to bring it all in, consume and leave nothing but a dusty sky and taupe abyss?  I think taupe would be the worst color in the world to live with for all time; A time.  Life is meant for color and I have been unresponsive to it.  I look without seeing.  I should just harbor gratitude and leave it at that.

When I stop thinking about it, usually after a few tokes, I am divinely sated.  Then I abuse it and there we are.

I don't want to do good for him.  That sucks.  I want to do good.  I am driven to expel all energy, most of the time.  It's exhausting and I should love it.  i do not.  It insults me to try at this juncture.  I am torn.  Not enough to give up on my expulsions but enough to fuck with my brain...and skin!  Jesus, I feel like I'm in high school again.  Zit faced and busted.  I feel better.  Gonna watch war shit now.