Want Not

Someone else is living my life.  Not sure when or where this phenomena took place but here we are.  Here she is folks!  The girl who once thought she'd be and do something great is just like the rest of you useless tits.  A worker bee and nothing more.  All bets and aspirations are off!   Someone else invaded my peaceful existence and made everything shitty.  Had to be someone else cuz why would anyone in their right fucking mind ever participate in this banality by choice?  Everything is shitty.  All I need now is cancer....and boy is it ever on it's way.  My whole family is fast becoming worm food due to this bit of business and I'm sure my fate will sooner than later be sealed.  Well, actually probably later cuz my cancer will be slow and arduous.  It will go into several remissions leaving me perpetually bald and weak and inhuman.  Then the mounds of fucking tumors will fill my lungs, leaving me in my last moments grasping for breath and asking for my mommy;  Like when young soldiers get gut-shot and are readily bleeding to death on the cold and indifferent ground.

Who is this living my life right now?  And why?  Wake up.  Do some stuff.  Don't do some other stuff.  Do more stuff.  Time for bed.  I feel so unfulfilled in lack of action and unfulfilled in any action taken.  So then I question which choices am i making to allow such feelings of heaviness.  I am so heavy.  I feel weight pressing me more and more into the ground.  no escape.  I'm getting older and dumber day by day and the unfairness of this 'gift' is beginning to choke me out.  I'm afraid to live but I can't keep going with the way things are.  I'm afraid to try anything because I may not like it.  There goes all that wasted time and energy and money.  Then, lesson learned mind you, I'd be back where I started.  I always come back to where I started because I think small and dream smaller and that's no one's fault but my own but fuck it and fuck you.

Fuck you.
A hummingbird drinks and Rhandi crys.  I should also be suckling but instead i wallow in shallow waves of discontent and self hatred.  And question.  and rage.  And live in my head til I feel like it's about to burst.  Then i share this nonsense with another ego and everything else that I had built falls and crumbles to nothing.  Yeah, I've been sad since I've arrived here.  I have yet to make a true connection.  Sure I'm a little guarded but who in adulthood isn't?  We go through a lot of bullshit just to be here....sifting through other people is no different.  I have no patience for these jobs I participate in anymore.  I use to be able to assuage my soul's cry by repetition and the goals of other people.  Maybe I have no goals and that's what makes me such a malcontent.  Maybe my dreams are bigger than my reality, therefore I can't imagine them possibly coming to fruition.  Perhaps 'achieving' something isn't all there is to living.  Helps to be screamed to about it though.

I'm trying to live day by day and I continue to grow smaller and smaller until I fear I'll disappear.  I was once visible and vibrant and ready.  I use to be fearless.  Nearing on reckless.  Make a decision, boom.  Action, boom.  Now my 'booms' come from angry slamming doors and the pounding of my empty heart.  I continue to refuse to accept that this is my life and maybe that's why nothing is changing.  I thought beautiful events would occur and lead me to more of the same.  Can that even happen when you don't know which way to go?  Where to turn?  Who to seek out?  I fight against all of the inconsequential garbage I've built, like who I am and what the fucking point is, and now I have no time to do anything real.  Anything of value has long ago left.  For too long have I hated and raged and avoided who I am and what I've created.  Now I look back at it:  This empty thirty years of and in no particular order, lies, inaction, adoption, occasional decent person, scumbagscumbagscumbag, brief travel highlight, death, life, acting highlight, brief periods of action followed by me just returning to awful me.  I have forgotten how to cultivate anything good.  How do people do this?  How do people live their lives with meaning and purpose and love?  I would rather watch people live and love then acquire it for myself.  I have it and I turn it to shit.  Or it turns to shit cuz that's what happens.  How can I be happy for someone else, excited for someone else when I feel this way?

I will never meet the standards i have set and revive daily.  I want to come up for a wee bit of air but I don't know how and the what?  Then fucking what?  More cyclical treadmill of stupid wants and petty desires.  I always thought i was here to do something special.  To be someone special.  I bet we all think that at one point.  Well, those thoughts still bounce around in my big empty noggin but I've completely given up on meeting them.  I had hope for things once.  Now?  I simply wash rinse and repeat...on to the next day to complete the same menial tasks that were accomplished the day before.  Nothing changes.  People stay the same and I'll continue to watch from my perch...not alone mind you, cuz my throbbing, raging cancerous tumors will fill in all the holes.

Poopypants McBoogerson

Tis I!  I am thee!  I thusly spread my poopypants mcboogers all through the lands.  I am a thief of happy thoughts.  I am the darkness which enters in ever so slowly only to shield itself from discovery and then WHAMMMMM-Oooo!  I am an algorithm?  Am i timeless piece of history only because others say so?  Apparently....tiny yet even still....

I am reluctant towards most things.  I think I hate everything.  When did that happen?  When did I allow that, THAT to take over?  Take precedence.  I am not listening to the right shit, pardon et moi................I got homework from fucking work today.  What the fucking christ hell is that miserable bullshit?  Seriously, what?  Do people not understand that this job is not for me?  Can they not see that I DO NOT belong there?  I should be hissed at and spat upon post haste, shoved from out doorways immediately and cursed!  Fucking cursed.  What is wrong with our society that we have created a fucking occupation that requires us to not only stomach one another but the ingrates that frequent such establishments?  What have we done to the lower class?  They are slaves in green aprons and plastic smiles and hate in their hearts.  We don't need this brown putrid 'luxury'.  We don't this refined sugar and ingredients we cannot pronounce let alone synthesize in our own kitchens.  I need something more than this.  I need something that isn't lacking in soul and creativity.  We are automatons.  We are creepy units of mindless busywork so that we may distract the herd from their tragic little lives.  Why must I pretend everyday of my life?  Why?

I am in a new land.  Newold.  It's lonely here cuz I've forgotten how to meet decent people.  You have to sift through so many fucking duds, it's exhausting.  Crushing, even.

I forget why i do things.  Always in my head I am.  To the point of great confusion and occasional animosity.

I think I sprained my ankle on purpose so I wouldn't have to go to work at 5am.  I fell so weird and fucked myself up so bad....a little too bad?  Am I capable of that?  Of course it was fully subconscious if so...what possibilities.  Back to algorithms....I am a product of my past.  Google told me so.  My past choices have brought me thusly and I choose based on such.  If man can make a fucking program that does this, why would it be inconceivable that we're not controlled by the very mechanism that produced us?

Why do i miss things I once despised?  Why reverence when the moments passed?  Is it a simple, 'don't know what ya got til it's gone' type bullshit?  I'm much smarter than everyone I work with.  Without question.  Like, that's not even an ego boost....totally.  Ugh.

I have friends dammit.  They're far away.