Want Not

Someone else is living my life.  Not sure when or where this phenomena took place but here we are.  Here she is folks!  The girl who once thought she'd be and do something great is just like the rest of you useless tits.  A worker bee and nothing more.  All bets and aspirations are off!   Someone else invaded my peaceful existence and made everything shitty.  Had to be someone else cuz why would anyone in their right fucking mind ever participate in this banality by choice?  Everything is shitty.  All I need now is cancer....and boy is it ever on it's way.  My whole family is fast becoming worm food due to this bit of business and I'm sure my fate will sooner than later be sealed.  Well, actually probably later cuz my cancer will be slow and arduous.  It will go into several remissions leaving me perpetually bald and weak and inhuman.  Then the mounds of fucking tumors will fill my lungs, leaving me in my last moments grasping for breath and asking for my mommy;  Like when young soldiers get gut-shot and are readily bleeding to death on the cold and indifferent ground.

Who is this living my life right now?  And why?  Wake up.  Do some stuff.  Don't do some other stuff.  Do more stuff.  Time for bed.  I feel so unfulfilled in lack of action and unfulfilled in any action taken.  So then I question which choices am i making to allow such feelings of heaviness.  I am so heavy.  I feel weight pressing me more and more into the ground.  no escape.  I'm getting older and dumber day by day and the unfairness of this 'gift' is beginning to choke me out.  I'm afraid to live but I can't keep going with the way things are.  I'm afraid to try anything because I may not like it.  There goes all that wasted time and energy and money.  Then, lesson learned mind you, I'd be back where I started.  I always come back to where I started because I think small and dream smaller and that's no one's fault but my own but fuck it and fuck you.

Fuck you.
A hummingbird drinks and Rhandi crys.  I should also be suckling but instead i wallow in shallow waves of discontent and self hatred.  And question.  and rage.  And live in my head til I feel like it's about to burst.  Then i share this nonsense with another ego and everything else that I had built falls and crumbles to nothing.  Yeah, I've been sad since I've arrived here.  I have yet to make a true connection.  Sure I'm a little guarded but who in adulthood isn't?  We go through a lot of bullshit just to be here....sifting through other people is no different.  I have no patience for these jobs I participate in anymore.  I use to be able to assuage my soul's cry by repetition and the goals of other people.  Maybe I have no goals and that's what makes me such a malcontent.  Maybe my dreams are bigger than my reality, therefore I can't imagine them possibly coming to fruition.  Perhaps 'achieving' something isn't all there is to living.  Helps to be screamed to about it though.

I'm trying to live day by day and I continue to grow smaller and smaller until I fear I'll disappear.  I was once visible and vibrant and ready.  I use to be fearless.  Nearing on reckless.  Make a decision, boom.  Action, boom.  Now my 'booms' come from angry slamming doors and the pounding of my empty heart.  I continue to refuse to accept that this is my life and maybe that's why nothing is changing.  I thought beautiful events would occur and lead me to more of the same.  Can that even happen when you don't know which way to go?  Where to turn?  Who to seek out?  I fight against all of the inconsequential garbage I've built, like who I am and what the fucking point is, and now I have no time to do anything real.  Anything of value has long ago left.  For too long have I hated and raged and avoided who I am and what I've created.  Now I look back at it:  This empty thirty years of and in no particular order, lies, inaction, adoption, occasional decent person, scumbagscumbagscumbag, brief travel highlight, death, life, acting highlight, brief periods of action followed by me just returning to awful me.  I have forgotten how to cultivate anything good.  How do people do this?  How do people live their lives with meaning and purpose and love?  I would rather watch people live and love then acquire it for myself.  I have it and I turn it to shit.  Or it turns to shit cuz that's what happens.  How can I be happy for someone else, excited for someone else when I feel this way?

I will never meet the standards i have set and revive daily.  I want to come up for a wee bit of air but I don't know how and the what?  Then fucking what?  More cyclical treadmill of stupid wants and petty desires.  I always thought i was here to do something special.  To be someone special.  I bet we all think that at one point.  Well, those thoughts still bounce around in my big empty noggin but I've completely given up on meeting them.  I had hope for things once.  Now?  I simply wash rinse and repeat...on to the next day to complete the same menial tasks that were accomplished the day before.  Nothing changes.  People stay the same and I'll continue to watch from my perch...not alone mind you, cuz my throbbing, raging cancerous tumors will fill in all the holes.