My uncle is a brilliant and beautiful genius....and not the one that just died. I should feel something about that other than, weird...he's gone. My fault perhaps for not pursuing a relationship of any kind with him in the last ten years. And his. He was older after all and now he's doggone long gone. Anyhoo,
My other uncle. The one who has stated quite clearly that relationships should only last three months. What brilliance. I am not made for this. I am not made to respond as an adult would in an adult situation to a child. Men are children. Giant forgetful babies that refuse reason and compromise. I am better alone. Read into that what you will...and then fuck off. Being with someone so similar has made me hate myself. I see all of the ridiculous bullshit I pull displayed right in front of me and it makes me want to stop existing. I want to pull out every fiber of my hair so hard and for so long that it never grows back. I want to grate off my own face skin and make a sandwich of it for the homeless. They like sandwiches.
Fuck you. Fuck you a thousand times you disappointing motherfucker piece of shit. You are not right. I refuse fault. I want to laugh in your face every day for the rest of my life. Fucking hell I get angry. I decide I'm right and that's the end of that. rational. I can't do this. Every day I feel as though I can't do this. Maybe it's that I don't want this. I don't want it so I make it so through passive aggression and flippancy.
i am too stubborn for another. i am too stubborn to be around or participate with others.
Leave me alone! That goes for the lot of you. Don't weep for me either. That is not what this is about. Being alone isn't the easy choice. People who haven't been alone think in this manner. Such is not the case. Being alone. Truly alone. The hardest thing in the world. You choose to be ousted from the herd. Loners in the wild are proven to die sooner than one the same age who has remained within. The scragglers look a fright and are without children or a mate. They seem to wander without purpose. Without enjoyment. There is no life in the eyes of the creature that chooses a life of solitude. And without complaint.
Post Script: Written after a screaming match several weeks ago, came across it in my travels...interesting...
Monday, May 13, 2013
Happiness and Sunshine
Moohoohaha....fooled you fuckers! I should stop calling my loyal and most studious fan base, fuckers. You like it though don't you, fuckers? yeah, you see how you scum.
'We should have broken up a year ago,' he says with a stern scowl. This is how it is...and this is how it goes. I did it. again. Fucked everything up and I have no one to blame. That's the worst. Well, and losing my best friend....that's bullshit too. Don't fall in love people. I will say it time and time again until breath fails me. Something funny. I miss touching him. Ha. Irony of being an awful human being sometimes is sooooo rich.
Don't you tell me what you think is right when you yourself exist only in shadows. How do people DO this? Is a blind eye turned at every turn? Do you just give the fuck up? Relent control; A constant capitulation of silent cacophony? Silent is right. Be berry berry quiet....you'll scare the wabbit. He never gets that goddamn hare. An entire life wasted on hunting for something unattainable and most elusive. I'm insane and it's your fault. At least until I get a handle on shit. Singledom is hard yet so much fucking easier. I thought I was through with accessible. Done with doubt. Down with the apparent.
Does everyone need sympathy? Am I capable of being empathetic? I am with animals. I thought this bird was hurt today and nearly strangled it attempting to 'save' it. What you see is what you get. I never hid myself. Loving is simple when you're in different time zones. You're single until every third months second weekend and then the loneliness is assuaged by copious drink, drug, fuck and fight. You know, love?
Why does eating a banana make your teeth furry?
I do my best to live moment to moment. Sometimes my brain says nonono, time to be sad. Let us think on sadness. Sometimes i get stuck there. Sometimes i choose to remain there with my little unhappy head friends. I always come back. I didn't always have these issues. I wasn't always so angry. There was a time when I gave freely with no expectation of return on my investments. Now. Now, i exist in hesitation in a darkened room alone. If I despise being alone so much why am i SO keen on making that my reality? Questions are good. Yes questions. Soothing really that I will always have those to keep me company. Oh, and musical genius. Grateful for that too. And birds. I like birds.
'We should have broken up a year ago,' he says with a stern scowl. This is how it is...and this is how it goes. I did it. again. Fucked everything up and I have no one to blame. That's the worst. Well, and losing my best friend....that's bullshit too. Don't fall in love people. I will say it time and time again until breath fails me. Something funny. I miss touching him. Ha. Irony of being an awful human being sometimes is sooooo rich.
Don't you tell me what you think is right when you yourself exist only in shadows. How do people DO this? Is a blind eye turned at every turn? Do you just give the fuck up? Relent control; A constant capitulation of silent cacophony? Silent is right. Be berry berry quiet....you'll scare the wabbit. He never gets that goddamn hare. An entire life wasted on hunting for something unattainable and most elusive. I'm insane and it's your fault. At least until I get a handle on shit. Singledom is hard yet so much fucking easier. I thought I was through with accessible. Done with doubt. Down with the apparent.
Does everyone need sympathy? Am I capable of being empathetic? I am with animals. I thought this bird was hurt today and nearly strangled it attempting to 'save' it. What you see is what you get. I never hid myself. Loving is simple when you're in different time zones. You're single until every third months second weekend and then the loneliness is assuaged by copious drink, drug, fuck and fight. You know, love?
Why does eating a banana make your teeth furry?
I do my best to live moment to moment. Sometimes my brain says nonono, time to be sad. Let us think on sadness. Sometimes i get stuck there. Sometimes i choose to remain there with my little unhappy head friends. I always come back. I didn't always have these issues. I wasn't always so angry. There was a time when I gave freely with no expectation of return on my investments. Now. Now, i exist in hesitation in a darkened room alone. If I despise being alone so much why am i SO keen on making that my reality? Questions are good. Yes questions. Soothing really that I will always have those to keep me company. Oh, and musical genius. Grateful for that too. And birds. I like birds.
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