Dream Girl

I'm alive.  That should be enough.  I exist and know this to be fact, at least in my limited consciousness.  Not sure why but that should also be enough.  What does a person do when they are dreamless?  Not nightie-night sleepy time dreams but the kind that held you together through the nightmare of invisibility that is high school or the one that made you feel real all throughout your twenties.  I don't know where to put my efforts anymore.  Where do i place my hope and longing for things better?

It's raining still and I didn't go to work.  I couldn't quite see the point.  I mean, I see the point in that I require money to function in this ridiculousness we call a society but otherwise, really?  What purpose does me going to work serve?  Everyone drives me nuts.  My family barely answers my calls anymore cuz I have nothing to say.  I haven't made any friends here.  Any attempt I make to foster relationships with those from my past haven't gone quite the way I was hoping for.  Perhaps that's my problem.  Having hope that my expectations will fulfill themselves is ludicrous.  Crass.  Absurd.  My efforts to stimulate myself creatively have left me feeling even emptier.  fuckthistown.  The roles for woman here are garbage.  And I'm not black so there's no market.  I could go home I suppose.  I get work there.  I have friends there.  Familia tires of me but they'd be a fuck of a lot closer.  Oh and my romantic life is nonexistent so there's that as well.  Not that being landlocked really opened any enchanting doors of eros.

This is why having a job was created you know.  Less time for us creatively inclined types to think and stew in our own miserable juices.

I met a russian man.  He is a caricature of himself.  He knows his way around a pussy but can't stay hard.  He has this killer body, no sense of humor and isn't very bright.  I feel as though he wants to be but I cannot live on other peoples potential anymore.  It's bullshit anyway.  What you want to be ain't who you are son.  Even the ones who strike a person as honest lie to retrieve what they want.  Usually sex.  I wish I could be motivated by something so simple.  I had discourse with a brown guy and he said that the number one motivating factor for women in this life is stability.  Ask enough questions, he said, and it all comes down to that.  If that's the fucking answer, why aren't I blissful?  Perhaps an afternoon filled with Tom Cruise, a spliff and popcorn will cure all my mental deficiencies.  Save me Maverick!