What do you do when you see yourself in another person and you hate them and not yourself for it? Why is the first response blame? Weak people find solace in blame for it explains away the chaos that we reside in. I feel chaotic most of the time. I am a liar and a thief. I am a taker of time and producer of nothing. I feel low some days and don't know why. Some days I lose myself to my inability to be honest with myself. The ego won't allow me to take responsibility. It just won't. There is a very deep part of me that just wants it all out there. Every wretched piece to be judged and torn apart by a grouping of people I love the most. There wouldn't be any coming back from that and it would be glorious. No resets, no do-overs. Just unfiltered reality and then silence. What would one have to say after that? There would be blissful, searing pain and then nothing. It wouldn't be required of me to fix anything or adapt or change or grow. I would just be done. Done trying. Done feigning effort. Done.
It's exhausting complaining about everything. I'm so dreadfully tired of there nothing being wrong. Other people can only take so much you know. All people have their limits and I certainly do my damnedest to have them reach the pinnacle of what it means to be fatigued. Hardly any effort at all on my part, really. It's become so natural, me being a crazy person, that I don't even notice it happening anymore. Others have to inform me of the fact by tears, or emitting anger, frustration or just bolting altogether...for fuck that crazy bitch. I get it. I really do. I've forced a hand more than a time or two. You asked me if I've ever been here before. I live here, hunny. I live here.
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