Maybe I Am

Sometimes I feel like I revert to old ways.  Like unbeknownst to me I become the person I once was.  I can be angry.  I'm not just that.  At least I don't think I am.  Perhaps I am but only my perception of me trying not to be is the difference.  I feel like I don't give myself permission to feel without scrutiny.  Without judgement.  I use to be negative all of the times.  Now I feel a slow progression to something else.  Maybe it's growing up.  Maybe it's my need for something other than tension and dis-ease.  I can be angry but sometimes I feel that I allude to that being my only state.  It's as though the world perceives me as having nothing else to offer but a quick whip, a stern tongue lashed with sarcasm and vitriol... two dimensional character in a life led alone and fearful.  My fear is lessened daily but then why do I revert?  I wrote some things a bit ago that I recently posted.  I posted them more for lack of having posted of late than to actually get things out.  Writing helped to get them out and I didn't need the world to be a part but I posted them anyhow.  I wonder why.  Closure maybe.  Maybe I'm still the same person I've been struggling against and until I can accept that girl and all of her shit, I'll never be free from the shit I've imposed upon myself for years.

I thought I remembered not being this way.  Maybe I only thought this because of how tired I feel;  Knowing there was no way I could have carried on this long in this manner.  Perhaps I was truly fresh at one point.  Bitterness had yet to rear it's toxic head and I was free to choose without the past affecting me so.  Now all I see are patterns of things once learned and I keep away from that hot surface or that cold element.  Struggle I do between comfort and ease.  I have felt a balanced place before but to sustain seems nearing on the impossible.  Maybe I should accept that.  Accept the fact that no one person can ever just be one thing forever.  No amount of peaceful thinking or meditation or impermeability or perceived pain can ever rule out any one thought.  If everything is impermanent than why do I expect goodness to reign supreme or happiness to last forever?  Why do I expect that from other people if it's inconceivable for myself?  I think I'm an asshole and so very tired.

Hunny Bunny

Fuck It.  I cannot control what comes out right now so I'm just gonna go with it.  This isn't about you.  It's about me scraping out my brain full of the shit that I don't want rattling around in there anymore.  "Write it down", all the experts say...well, and why not for the whole world to read and pass judgement on.  Fuck It.

I spent the first six months of our relationship listening to you speak in vivid detail about your ex.  Six months of you wallowing, contemplating and attempting to come to terms with a crazy bitch that took your virginity and messed with your mind.  Your beautiful, fragile, open and compelling mind.  I'm sorry that happened to you but I didn't need to hear about it.  I allowed you to drone on and on because I liked it when you smiled and how wide your shoulders were.

I slept on the couch while you and your bestie slept in the same bed together when we all hung out.  I felt so fucking low that night and I don't know why I stayed.  I enjoyed making you laugh and your mom seemed cool.

I stuck around while your parents disappointed you and the world shat on your ideas.  I took you places you've never been and opened you to a world you've always lived in and never noticed.  You helped me feel alive and new once more.  Oh those defining moments...

Two years later and we're not exactly hating one another but shit be broke.  I allowed the world in and you shut it all out.  You bury yourself in music, technology, blading, drugs, anything to keep you from a single silent moment with that special voice inside your head that only you can hear.  I'm not blaming you.  I'm trying not to blame me.  It's over and for now, that's for the best.

You can't stand on the backs of other people to get what you want.  You can't burden others with your money woes because you want what you want when you want it.  Well, I guess you can because we'll let you.  I cooked, cleaned and took care of you as best I could.  I became your apartment mother.  Tried not to...but you know what they say about the best intentions.  I felt drained.  A shell.  I was becoming someone who didn't enjoy being alive.  I clung to you and your needs like a fly to that last grain of sugar in the bottom of the bowl.  If you love someone, you put their needs above your own.  The other should reciprocate and love prevails!  That's not how things went.  You dug your heels in deeper as I tried to drag you across the carpet to commitment.  I just wanted to belong to you, with you.  Your shit got so annoying and unappealing.  Two years and you still live at home, suckling off the teat of dearest mummy who can't fucking stand ya'll being there.  Two years later and you think the world owes you favors cuz you had it rough.  Two years later and neither one of us can stand the effort it takes to be honest with the other.  Two years later and we have regressed to silence and contempt.

Now I feel relief.  I miss you but you're an asshole.  You take and take and look at me with those gorgeous eyes and I melt and give and give.  Still, with this entry I'm giving away my post.  I acted like a lunatic.  This I know all too well.  You chose to love me how you needed to, all the while denying me my needs.  You dismissed what I wanted from you because you couldn't speak the language...nope, you just weren't listening.  You still can't see it and I'm done being your teacher.  Now you have a swath of scummy friends to learn you how to treat women and get nothing in return but venereal disease and an empty hole where your heart use to be.  Do you want to get understood?  Or do you want to live in Sainthood flipping back pages to understand yourself?  That's the way love comes.

Just think what I would have wrote had I actually been pissed off?

Back-Burner

I hung out tonight with someone I thought I should hate.  She is beautiful and probably smart...I don't even know...and well-dressed and eloquent in speech and manner.  I thought I should hate her because she seemed so very different from me.  Not for all of the things mentioned above but because I thought I already knew her.  Let's face it.  I did.  I do.  She kind of sucks.  I let my guard down.  Free wine tends to lean a twisted branch in the general direction of drunken desultory.

I spoke to said girly-girl.  She was kind enough, just really boring and predictable like most girls that dress and act like her.  She's bought in.  She bought in to the house, the car, the husband and her inevitable brood stirring in her loins as we spoke.  Gross.  She stands for everything I find so distasteful in society.  I was nice to her.  I was feeling all jolly warm and drunk inside so I didn't rip her meager empty life to shreds.  Now I'm the gross one because she will now go through existence not hating herself and her choices.  Dammit.  She will grow to be someones' role model.  She will create a bunch of offspring just like her and the world turns once more.  Boring.  Desolate.  Certain.  Perhaps that's what pisses me off most;  These people are certain in their creations of nihility.  This is the way my parents did it, therefore...I am.  So it is.  So fucking question-less.  So content.  I can pretend too, you know.  I have.  I did.  It felt good to feel included.  Like I was part of something collective, connected and bigger.  Then I realized these people have not the foggiest clue what they speak of.  They are scrambling for meaning in a world that bears fruit of no sort.  It's sad.  It's embarrassing.

I don't think I've ever wanted to be one.  Really.  I've played the part once or twice but I grew so very weary of the performance.  The posturing.  I want to be a Thai dude speaking at TED about saving seeds and building houses for my neighbors cuz apparently land is free in Thailand.  Let's all stop dedicating our lives to things we need to follow and create something real.  Let's feed each other more than the bullshit pictures we take on Facebook.  Live your life for you, not your following.  Travel to go deeper into yourself, not for the constant photo ops people are screaming for as they sit in their homes they can't afford to view the world through the computer lens.  Go to school for your brain and the benefit of society, not for the achievement and bragging rights about how difficult school was to manage with your drinking and social nights.  Love the world because you love yourself and fuck the rest.  Stop showing us the you you think we want to see.  Everybody gets one.  Only one.  Make it count.

Taken

I have an irrational hatred of Liam Neeson.  The famed actor known for his stoic Irish presence in a myriad action flicks.  I fucking hate you Liam Neeson.  You are a taker.  You set a girl up with all of these expectations, like who you are as a person is truly unique and awesome.  You are none of these things Mr. Neeson.  You appear to be sexy as all get up...you're intelligence and calm demeanor save the lives of those you cherish most.  You are a fraud.  You are as fraudulent as your movie scripts and public relations persons.  You told me one thing and acted one way and now you're a shell like all the rest.  No amount of Ricky Gervais illustrating you as a hilarious and disturbed individual will win me over.  You suck.

We use to be cool, you and I.  Strangers, literal strangers would comment on how adorable we were.  I've never experienced that before.  It was like the entire world was conspiring to have us be awesome.  Together.  Now what are we?  Struggling to cobble together something that may very well be impossible.  I am your sister, mother, secret lover and you do nothing in return.  You offer nothing.  You expel no energy in even my general direction.  A few texts here to keep tabs on me?  To make yourself feel like you're in a relationship?  You have no fucking idea what kind of work it takes to keep a life afloat...to breath life into something that we let die time and time again.  I want a love story you fuck.  Instead I'm settling for a smattering of attention when you feel like it or can work it into your busy schedule.  Oh Liam Neeson how you've fallen.

It's my fault.  I fell for you first and have made it every effort to make this fucking nightmare prosper.  That's what I want most in life is to prosper in what I do.  Not just to get by, not just to do what is expected but to fucking grow and pulse with the energy I've been granted for this limited fucking time.  I'm tired of waiting.  No, I'm fucking exhausted.  I will allow Martha Washington* to elucidate further:

'I am young and I am strong but I feel old and tired, over-fired.  I've been poked and stoked it's all smoke there's no more fire, only desire...for whoever you are.  You say my time here is some sort of a joke.  Some sort of incubating period.  You have no idea.  How it feels to be on your own, in your own home with the fucking phone.  I will not pretend.  I will not put on a smile.  I will not say I'm alright for you.  When all I wanted was to be good.  To do everything in truth.  To do everything in truth.  I wishIwishIwishI was born a man.  So I could learn how to stand...up for myself.'