Maybe I Am

Sometimes I feel like I revert to old ways.  Like unbeknownst to me I become the person I once was.  I can be angry.  I'm not just that.  At least I don't think I am.  Perhaps I am but only my perception of me trying not to be is the difference.  I feel like I don't give myself permission to feel without scrutiny.  Without judgement.  I use to be negative all of the times.  Now I feel a slow progression to something else.  Maybe it's growing up.  Maybe it's my need for something other than tension and dis-ease.  I can be angry but sometimes I feel that I allude to that being my only state.  It's as though the world perceives me as having nothing else to offer but a quick whip, a stern tongue lashed with sarcasm and vitriol... two dimensional character in a life led alone and fearful.  My fear is lessened daily but then why do I revert?  I wrote some things a bit ago that I recently posted.  I posted them more for lack of having posted of late than to actually get things out.  Writing helped to get them out and I didn't need the world to be a part but I posted them anyhow.  I wonder why.  Closure maybe.  Maybe I'm still the same person I've been struggling against and until I can accept that girl and all of her shit, I'll never be free from the shit I've imposed upon myself for years.

I thought I remembered not being this way.  Maybe I only thought this because of how tired I feel;  Knowing there was no way I could have carried on this long in this manner.  Perhaps I was truly fresh at one point.  Bitterness had yet to rear it's toxic head and I was free to choose without the past affecting me so.  Now all I see are patterns of things once learned and I keep away from that hot surface or that cold element.  Struggle I do between comfort and ease.  I have felt a balanced place before but to sustain seems nearing on the impossible.  Maybe I should accept that.  Accept the fact that no one person can ever just be one thing forever.  No amount of peaceful thinking or meditation or impermeability or perceived pain can ever rule out any one thought.  If everything is impermanent than why do I expect goodness to reign supreme or happiness to last forever?  Why do I expect that from other people if it's inconceivable for myself?  I think I'm an asshole and so very tired.