Not sure why...

but i have a sinking suspicion that i will die alone; And not perish in the manner that inevitably we all die alone, but in the manner that I will be without love on my death bed. I have come to terms with that fact and i am ok...sort of. Why do we attempt to mate for life? I use the word attempt very loosely cuz I ain't seein a whole helluva lot of effort...on any of our behalf. We pair off for the simple fact of reproduction. Intellectually we are all well aware that we will at some point in our short and useless lives succumb to a change that is out of most of our hands: evolution. We evolve in personality, spirit...our goals adapt and change...our affinity for a particular brand of potato chip will undeniably partake in great growth and advancement...so why in the hell do we expect ourselves to react exactly the same to the very person who has also undergone such transformations? It's ridiculous to me that human beings are still as high as we are on the food chain. Actually i suppose we aren't considering it's just our sheer numbers that prevent our timely and eventual downfall at the hands of scientists and their petri dishes. No longer must we protect the population from demise however, no longer is it imperative that a child has a fathers last name, and no longer do we find ourselves in a time where labels were as important as a persons actions. Why than, do I still crave the arms of the opposite sex? Not only the arms but the thoughts, hopes, dreams, love of another human being who "gets me?" I want not of children...I want not of dashed futures in an inevitable divorce or worse, death...I want not to fit a personae someone has laid out for me out of comfort and complacency and because they don't know the fucking answer either...I want love because...I do. That's not an answer I know, but it's what comes out. I want a connection with another human being that strikes me somewhere deep, somewhere lost but not forgotten. I want to know someone inside and out...fears and all. I want someone to share brilliant and illusive moments with. Even though that sunset was stunning, if two sets of eyes have been witness to the splendor, it somehow makes it real. Maybe that's what I long for...a reality that's real. There are those moments, those stand still moments where the world takes notice and watches you and your happiness. I miss those moments and i want them back. It just takes so much fucking work! Fuck it's a lot of work. So much needs to be present for those type of moments to come together. Am I lazy or just really tired...tired of telling my story, tired of waiting for the bottom to drop and when it doesn't, waiting a little longer. Even with all of those obstacles, I still want it. Maybe there is no long term...that. Perhaps the best I can hope for is what I've been witness to. Maybe I should stop putting so much fucking pressure on this whole situation I call existence and just chill the fuck out....hmmm...sounds like an idea.

Where does the love go?

When you spend moments of your life with someone, when you have integrated yourself into their friendships, family and existence...what happens to the love once shared? What happens to those inexplicable emotions that seem to run so deep that nothing tangible could ever seemingly touch them? Does a love once expressed float on breath to wind to nothing? Does it evolve into something else...like hatred, anxiety and eventually death? When there is no longer any hope of a lingering relationship in any sense of the word...what happens to the love? Does it wait patiently in the belly of your soul...cautious yet so willing for the next bout? Not quite disturbed but infinitely fearful? Can one person keep it alive in a sense that it never really goes anywhere...it still exists, unchanged and grounded in something bigger than oneself? Maybe it never changes...it stagnates in the gut like a putrid festering mess until it no longer resembles anything but decay and disgust, dying with the person holding on to it the most. Or perhaps, it moves as the wind blows...silent and flexible. Always changing, breathing, feeding, but never manifesting longer than a whisper. Maybe it disintegrates to such a degree that one begins again with each new situation...there is no lasting love, only attachment and memories with evidence of what was in a dusty picture book on a forgotten shelf. I have loved. I have witnessed love decompose so untimely that it rarely resembles its former glory. Perhaps I place to much emphasis on it all. Maybe love will never be my savior. Perhaps my sanctity lies in the doing and not the feeling. I wonder though if what i have felt and what I am feeling now will ever allow me to learn. Will i continue to make these absurd errors in judgement that keep me postponing my life and dreams? Does love ever die, or are we so blessed with the ability to remember as well as forget? Time heals all, right? If you love and the person who is lucky enough to receive your heart forsakes it...confuses it so that he or she cannot see what truly matters...what happens to their love? Have they buried it in such a way that it no longer hurts? Some day that will surface. Some day there will be regret. Some day there will be enlightenment and when that day comes...I won't be there. Don't you see how your decisions have made your love leave? Abandonment at a cost. Maybe I have taken love for granted...it is after all a privilege, not a right. I wish more people understood that...we'd all treat each other a hell of a lot better. Will my unreciprocated heart thoughts wait patiently for the next time? Will there even be a next time? Sometimes I think I've used up all my turns and the carny will scream in my face, "You're too tall for this ride!" And I will sulk away, forever alone and trapped in my head with forty-seven kitties to keep me company until I pass away from starvation and the kitties eat my organs...better that than wasting away in some blind kid with kidney failure and a heart murmur. That could be good...right now at least.

I am so grateful

Well, most of the time...not so much right now. I am grumpy. Could be caused by a great many thing, and at this current minute, I have no clue as to what is affecting me more. Usually though, I am grateful for several, simple things that we all overlook on a daily basis:
-I have all of my fingers and toes(appendages a plenty)
-I am pretty intelligent(or at least I fake it really well)
-I am cute...yeah I said it...most people hate that term when describing themselves but I'm cool with it.
-My senses are highly developed and serve me rather well
-I have a loving family, though spread to the winds, we are deeply connected
-My friends are few...my real friends...but mighty
-I have lots of coin
-I am gifted with creativity and use it whenever i can
-Most of all, I am grateful to be alive.

I miss theatre however. I miss being immersed in something greater than myself and any other moving part. I need, no, crave something to occupy my thoughts. Idle hands and all that bullshit. I haven't done a production since February of this year...no wonder I'm so pissy. If you are not fully participating in what you love, what's the fucking point? I'm not in a position right this moment to do anything highly spontaneous or creative and that has left me frustrated and ansy. I could rub one out, but that would take not nearly enough time or energy...I've gotten pretty fast. I miss meeting new and equally as driven beings who i can relate to on levels most people only ponder. I miss getting drunk with those whose opinion counts for something more than how my day was, or what i ate for breakfast. I want substance. I want time to stand still. I want to be a part of something that, though not particularly life saving, motivates and inspires. I want to do it full time dammit. No more shit day jobs that make me want to wretch. No more ridiculous coworkers to avoid. I am grateful for the productions I've been involved in thus far...I just want more...always more. I suppose I'm grateful for that as well.

Asian people are funny...

That is all.

Ode to Jon Stewart

It doesn't take much to happen in my life for me to smile...disregard the previous writing...I am a chick and although I cringe whilst stating that wretched fact, it is indeed true and occasionally taints my version of how the world is at any particular moment. So, my needs as of this very moment in space and time(if they've ever existed), are as follows:

-Beer
-Pizza
-an evening with the Simpsons and the Office
-someone who loves me with every ounce of his being and chooses me over all else...cept maybe his mom, unless she's a real cunt, than he can totally fawn over me for all the days of his life...
-and finally, Jon(brilliant fuck)Stewart

How i love that man. He embodies everything a girl could want...he's generous, kind, hilarious, his intellect rivals many...although it's not just his intelligence I find so alluring...it's his ability to carry on a conversation with some of our times most prophetic and productive members of society, and spin this timeless knowledge into something someone as slow as me can grasp. He's a family man, which means he can care for someone other than himself and the love that he expresses for that family makes me want to tear his clothes off and bone him stupid on that slick little anchor desk of his. He is obviously financially and MENTALLY stable, caring, attractive in subtle ways...to think what i could do with that giant snoze, and he brings just a little bit of light into my otherwise dreary and hopeless state. Our relationship exists only half an hour out of every day, but functions as so much more...we've laughed and cryed together...shared things that two people should maybe keep to themselves. He's always honest to me, confident in every stroke of his news pen on that fake news paper, and he never fails to do exactly what he says he'll do. Apart from the whole him being on tv and us never having physical contact...ever...he has to be the most healthy, functional, sustainable relationship I have in my life...I am going to drink myself into oblivion now...see all ya'll in a few days.