Certifiable

So I'm still kinda on the insanity bit and I'll tell you why. As my last post presented, I believe I may be out of my head. As I was bawling and writing, there was still a part of me that did a spell check before posting my thoughts to the world wide web. Seriously...spell check. So I'm a deranged lunatic who cares about proper spelling.

Really what I want to speak of though is not whether I am certifiable but what I am capable of. Not me specifically either, but humanity in general...which I suppose includes me to a certain extent. It surprises me what a person is capable of. Still. I know shocking that any kind of human depravity could shock anyone cuz it's all pretty much been done...to me mostly. The sheer amount of trauma we can cause in another persons life, especially the people we love. I guess if you're gonna destroy somebody, you better make it count. Shocking how able and willing we are to preserve our own meager world at the expense of someone else and theirs. I often, too often, put every ones needs above my own. To such degree that I end up the broken one to avoid the hurt in another. Not a lot of people feel or act in this way. A person does not nor will ever understand what types of scars they've left. Not sure if they want to imprint a series of negative images forever on a person or if it's completely unintentional and purely out of fear and loathing...those words are so intrinsically one. I don't want these imprints, these scars to never heal...to always be visible to those new to me and even those not so. I want to begin anew and take every individual as such-an individual and not connected to my past experience with tragedy. When something is over it's done. I feel no need to make myself feel better by making the other feel worse. I want to heal. I want to move on. I want to be new. That's why babies are so great. They smell funny and the smugness on their parents face makes me want to punch them so...but they do offer an important concept. I hate that all I do is hate. Even when I'm not hating I feel like I'm barely holding off a descent into this negative void I've grown so accustom to. No one should feel comfortable in this. I somehow can't seem to escape. I deny who I am to most but mostly myself. I want to be reborn, born again...I should become religious...those people are great at contented falseness.