"Insane in the Membrane..."

I believe I am insane. Why else would I have made the decisions I have all the while expecting something else...some other more favorable outcome? The problem is, insanity is not usually followed by emotion. So how far gone am I really? So far in fact that guilt and loathing have become a staple to me like cheese or chocolate. Or perhaps I'm not completely broken because i still maintain feelings that wouldn't ordinarily exist if I were truly mad. I live in a constant state of fear; Fear that I have created and than sustained and than perpetuated. Fear makes a person do crazy things...so maybe this path of insanity was paved with good intentions...nope...cannot even pretend that that's the truth(at the very least I can still tell the difference). This path I've strode with blinders and blinkers on, letting those of less madness pass on the left, was paved in selfish concern for only I. Afraid of how things would affect me. There is a point when taking care of yourself first, turns into a one women show and you are left standing on your path, that you chose I might add, cold and more frightened than ever before. I continue to choose poorly. All out of fear. Afraid of what others may think, or do, or say...or not. I've learnt that damaging others is only short term as the true damage permeates the "damager." The only time I've told the truth is when I've had to. When truth would no longer sit idly by and watch the carnage unfold. What good does speaking the truth do? Well, if you prevent the lies in the first place...a lot. I want to crawl from my skin, forget the awfulness that is me, or at least became me and never be known again. As anything. I am so lucky and yet so very undeserving. How did I get here? How is this what I've become? Pretend. Lie. Imagine better but never get past pretending. I want to stop pretending. I want to stop lying. I want to be everything I've imagined and more and yet I'm afraid. OF WHAT!!!!!????? I don't even know anymore. I've spent so long pretending that my existence doesn't quite seem real. Like even if I did exist, I don't. I've fabricated a life that never was or will ever be. People like the pretend me...I've learnt early on that people get along well with pretend Rhandi. She's smart. Cute. Well read. Funny when the mood allows. Entertaining and never stricken with the usual horridness that is a girl. Never emotional. Always calm and collected. A mystery to be unearthed. There's no mystery...just deceit and rot. A rotting pustule of slyness and regret. Welcome to the truth...the reality...the insanity...it's scarier than you thought.