I wonder if...

I was not nor never was involved in the arts...would my life be somehow similar. My mom says the professions her and I have chosen to follow will, eventually alienate us both from what we truly want...the almighty L word. Love without restraints, without judgement or condemnation...bursting with support, confidence, communication and constant butterflys...you know what I'm talking about. Perhaps being an actor sets me apart from people for a reason...does not play well with others? Why can't one have it all? The booming career, the perfect partner, and the fulfilling moments that make life liveable? Must we choose only one? Will that choice come but more importantly, will we know when it has? I exist in worlds of competition, sort of, with other human beings for a dream. I suppose for all of us it's different...for me, recognition would be lovely. Perhaps if I were to be recognized however, the money that inevitably follows said recognition would alienate me from what I truly love. Does your dream become a burden when money is a factor? When is money not a factor? Why does someone like Tiger Woods get ackowledged for what he does to such an extent? Is it because we all see his love for the game and want him to succeed b/c we are desperate to have that in our own lives? Or is it because we are desperate to be taken out of our own unfulfilled existence and need to be entertained...to forget, to live vicariously...whatever...I suppose if I had his type of recognition...I would no longer continue to love it. The money would overshadow it all. Or maybe, I would do something amazing with it and show the rest of these assholes how it's to be done. I'm far too impatient for anything to come to me, even answers. Or in fact, perhaps my love of the stage would grow exponentially at finally reaching a goal, if only to set another. I would never want to get to a point where I resent the one thing that has always held true...but is that necessary? Would a financial incentive boost my love or bury it somewhere dark and sinister where I will never want to visit again? Should I continue with the rat race just b/c it's there and stick to theatre as a hobby? I hate that word...doesn't quite do a passion justice. Does making a "go" of it make any difference in the end result? Will fear always be a part of every decision I make? Dammit...now I'm rambling...